Context

These are a couple of old posts from the last blog i deleted. I'm about to talk about this same dude and i wanted to give u guys some background (on my continued stupidity).


HEIFERS (2/25/08)

Chei! I don suffer for boy hand. I can't help but go back to my roots on this one. So this dude that i have been lamenting about has just pulled another stunt that has left me speechless since yesterday. I was shocked, then i cried, now i have gone back to being shocked. I really don't want a boyfriend that bad oh! Chineke God in heaven, i don suffer.

So, me and this dude have not been getting along for a short while becos i called him out on his nonsense behavior towards me. I told him in no uncertain terms what i thot about his actions. Of course, he got really pissed and refused to talk to me. Me being the softy i am, after my anger wore off, i was reduced to practically begging (i might as well have begged) him to talk to me. When he finally agreed to talk to me 2 days later, to cut a long story short, he told me he wasn't obligated to call me. I thot about things, and decided that he was just being nasty to me becos he felt like i wanted to be with him. I now decided to tell him that we should just be friends then there would be no need for nastiness.

So on saturday, i texted him about a job interview he went for and asked him how it went and he said it went well. Then i called him and he told me he would call me back. I went into the school's library after i was done with work and that's when he called back. I didn't want to talk in the library cos since it was a saturday it was really quiet. So i went outside to call him back, as i was about to call him back, less than 2 mins after he called me, he sent me a text telling me he just called me and he was about to take a nap. I called him right back and his attitude when he picked up the phone was like i was disturbing him. So i asked him y he sounded like i was bothering him, and b4 i could say Jack Robinson, this dude said he wasn't going to talk to me anymore and as i said "are u serious?" he hung up on me. I was shocked. Where is the coming from?

I sent him a text message that what he did was one of the most disrespectful things he could ever do, that i felt like he spat in my face. Any he replied saying that if i got his text telling me he was about to take a nap why would i ask him a stupid question like "why do u sound like u don't want to talk to me?" He was like damn, he had been up since 7am. The time was only just 1.30pm in the afternoon. I was just baffled. I don't get him. He really hurt my feelings and i admit he made me feel really bad about myself. I didn't reply his text and that was the last i heard from him.

I'm confused. I don't think i deserve this kind of treatment from him or any guy. I also feel like i'm too old for a guy to be insulting for no reason. Maybe when i was a teenager i could have accepted that kind of treatment. He doesn't do anything for me, so y does he feel it's ok for him to treat me like crap? Is it becos he feels like i'm looking for a boyfriend or i like him? Now i see y my friends keep telling me not to tell a guy when i like them. I don't think he would dare treat me this way if he didn't know that i liked him cos he's not even my boyfriend.

If he was trying to get me not to like him anymore, he has succeeded and he is the last guy i would ever let know i like them that easily. Apparently, they like games. I don't know why i meet all these assholes. First it was the 419 yoruba dude that tried to kill me, then it was the jamaican dude that sucked me dry and left me for his baby mama, then another 419 online dating scam artist, now this idiot who at 32 doesn't even know whether he's coming or going. God will punish all of them for every single tear they have made me cry. Fucking bastards.

SLAP ME SILLY (2/26/08)

I know i said i wasn't going to call this dude anymore and i really wasn't going to call him, but i did. It's almost like i can't help myself. Whenever i'm in this kind of situation, i start to feel really bad and the only quick fix i can think of is to talk to the source of my unhappiness. I've been through this b4, i know it's the absolute worst thing to do, but i do it anyway cos i don't want to keep being miserable.

In this case, it made me even more miserable. So i called him and he initially wants to talk to me like everything is fine, but i bring up the issue of how he talked to me and hung of the phone the last time.

Him: What happened the last time we spoke? (In a confrontational tone)
Me: (I relay the incident back to him from my perspective) I don' see how i asked u a stupid question and why you should have hung up on me
Him: You asked me a stupid question. That was a really stupid question becos if i didn't want to talk to i would have ignored the call. Besides, i was in the middle of taking a nap.
Me: How was i to know u were already sleeping? I called u as soon as i got ur text. So u have no reason to say i asked u a stupid question.
Him: I was already sleeping and yes, u asked me a stupid question.
Me: I would never hang up on u though
Him: And i would never ask u a stupid question. Why are u bringing up the past? That's the problem i have with u, u never let shit go.
Me: You hurt my feelings and you want me to pretend like it never happened. How do i know you are not going to do stuff like that again?
Him: I probably will.
Me: Why are u so mean? Does it make u feel better about urself to be mean to me?
Him: No, but i don't take shit from nobody.
Me: So i was giving you shit.
Him: Yes
Me: I didn't think you would be this way when i first started talking to you
Him: Me either.
Me: Are you being this way because u think i want something from u?
Him: I'm this way regardless, it doesn't matter who it is. So how was ur weekend?
Me: (long pause, while i contemplate the quickest way to kill him).............. It was fine.
Him: It snowed really heavily here on sunday
Me: (No reply)
Him: I'm talking to u now, u not answering. I said it snowed really heavily here.
Me: You are talking about the weather, what do u want me to say to that?
Him: I know u are just bursting with stuff you want to say.
Me: You never used to act this way when i first started talking to you.
Him: You never used to shoot off at the mouth, now u are getting too comfortable.
Me: Maybe YOU are getting too comfortable, not me
Him: This is in the past, why won't u let it go? I'm talking to u nicely right now, i'm not yelling. What do u want me to say?
Me: You could apologise for hanging up on me.
Him: You want me to say i'm sorry, alright i've said it.
Me: I didn't hear u say u were sorry.
Him: I'm sorry, since that's what you want to hear. Me and you are cool, i don't know why u are stressing blah blah blah. Can i get off the phone for a bit, i need to go eat.
Me: are u calling me back?
Him: I might
Me: U might?
Him: Yes, i might.

And he didn't call back. The big question is why do i always do this to myself. What the use of flogging a dead horse. I always, always, always, do this, always. It's like a curse. I can't control myself. I know this guy has nothing to offer me. He is clearly emotionally unavailable. Believe it or not, i don't even want to date him anymore. I don't see anything good coming out of him with regards to me. Why can't i walk away? In this case i tried really hard, then i started feeling really depressed and i figured maybe if i talked to him i would feel better. Even if i didn't feel better at the end, i got a sort of clarity and closure. It's not me, it's him. He's just a jerk and regardless of how nice i am to him, he would never be nice to me. I got the impression that he wants to break my spirit and make me this submissive person, who doesn't talk back. He always complains that i am too feisty and i guess this is the route he has chosen to cure me of my disease of being vocal. I know i'll be doing myself a huge favor if i stop talking to him. So like someone who fell of their diet, i'll forgive myself and start over.


I'M THINKING (2/29/08)


I've made peace with the whole guy situation my own way. I've left it alone and i honestly don't feel the need to want to talk to him anymore. The sad thing is there are other guys who want me right now, but i don't want them. I had to start wondering if i should not just pick one of those guys whom i "think" would treat me nice. However, how i can i have a boyfriend whom i don't find attractive? I don't want a boyfriend just to have a boyfriend, so i'm chilling with the whole relationship thing for a while.

As much as it seems like there's always some guy wrecking havoc in my life, i regularly go long periods without a guy and i'm absolutely fine with it (most of the time). The last time i actually had a "real" relationship was in 2001. From 2001 to 2005, i did not date anyone. I really was more preoccupied with adjusting to this place which i hated when i first got here. Then i met someone in 2005, whom on a very good day i wouldn't have talked to, but i was lonely and felt like if i had a boyfriend it would help me go out more, blah blah blah. The whole shindig lasted for 2-3months and i almost ended up relocating to heaven or hell. I hesistate to call it a relationship cos while i thot he was my boyfriend (cos that's what he made me believe), he had a lot of girls on the side. I don't even think i was the main girl, but i'll never know. Dude even slept with my "friend".

Since then, i've met people but we never get to the relationship level. Now that i think about it, none of these people were worth anything. None of them had a college degree or well paying job or nothing like that. I had one that i had to help him pay his child's day care fees thrice, and i would buy him breakfast and dinner and still pick him up or drop him off at work cos he couldn't afford to fix his car. The only reason i can think of that made me so stupid is cos i didn't want to be by myself cos it gets depressing after a while.

However, i think i've being going about it the wrong way. I don't have a concrete idea of what i want in a guy, therefore i pick the wrong guys or rather any guy that i find attractive (or one time barely manageable). This dude i've being lamenting overthe last month is 32yrs and is just now starting to look for a job. When i first him he told me he used to sell cars, alright.... so why did he stop? He couldn't give me a reasonable answer. He basically didn't work the whole of last yr. When i asked him how he survived, he told me his family had money. He was even asking me if he should buy a hummer, and i was like what do u need that for? He gave me the impression that he wasn't hurting for money. 419 anybody???.............. He did go to college, but i don't think he's ever had a regular job. He did admit to having dabbled in 419 but stopped after his friend got caught.

Anyway, come to find out that he's really very broke and according to him he doesn't know how he got broke (it's called living extravagantly without having any money coming in), now he's frantically looking for a job and taking out his frustration on pple who have nothing to do with his situation. The point is, this dude has nothing to offer me really. I usually don't care about a guy's financial status, cos i figure if he's nice to me i can take care of myself anyway. But when he starts being mean for no reason, then i have to seriously question why i'm messing with that kind of person.

I think it's time for me to start doing things a different way. I need to come up with a list of at least 5 qualities/attributes/things a guy has to have before i mess with him. I think if i stick to that list it would save me a lot of heartache.
Number 1...... No meaness allowed. At the first sign of nastiness, i pack my bags and run.
2: Dude has to have a decent job and be a responsible member of society. If u look like, smell like, talk like 419, or NFA (no future ambition) i'm bailing.

I'll think of numbers 3-5 later. I'm open to suggestions.

Ciao