You are dead to me!!!!!

I've got so many thing i want to talk about. To say I'm overwhelmed would be a serious understatement. Let me start with the positive. It's spring time again and I'm loving it. Oh lord, the colors; from pink, purple, different shades of green, yellow, to white (yes, i saw a white tree in full bloom). It's like a visual orgasm. I just love to go out these days just to feast my eyes on all the prettiness that's around me. That's about the only pleasure I'm getting out of life these days. I'm not depressed or anything like that but.....

How do you say "You are dead to me" and mean it? There are a couple of people that need to be dead to me right now, and i can't seem to do it. No, none of these people are ex-boyfriends. I'm not tripping over those anymore. They are dead to me (Ha ha!). Anyway, when it comes to stuff like that, I'm one of those people who are all talk and no action. Anyone who really knows me knows that my bark is much much worse than my bite and trust me when i say the bark is loud. If u don't know me you will be shaking in ur boots when i'm done talking. When I'm really mad at someone I'll always say they don't exist in my world anymore. Yeah right! Two days later, my anger is long forgotten and all that talk was for nothing. Two days is even too long. I remember when i was in SS2, one of my family friends came to fight me cos we had been quarreling (through our friends, the back and forth he said, she said stuff). So i was walking back home from when i saw a friend off, and he was behind me calling my name and i ignored him. I had actually taken a different route back home cos i saw him earlier when i just started seeing my friend off, not knowing he was going to follow me. Anyway, he kept on calling me, and the next thing i knew this guy don dash me back hand slap from behind. I saw my grandmother in heaven. Jesus! My eyes were instantly red. Adrenaline took over, sharp, sharp!

We started fighting on the street like a couple of hooligans. I don't know who was winning but he wasn't beating me that easily, finally i got a strong hold of him in his back with my teeth. I bit the hell out of this boy. I clamped my teeth on this boy's back eh and held on for dear life b4 people came and separated us. I was 2 mins from home, and as soon as i got home it started raining. After crying and cooling off, i saw the dude taking cover from the rain in someones veranda and i sent someone to give him an umbrella cos i felt sorry for him. That's how fast my anger dies down. I have issues don't i?

Back to the people who need to be dead to me. I really need to know how to cut people from my life without looking back. I've been trying to fix my friendship with Cynthia cos i felt the friendship was worth saving, but she has basically been blowing me off. I sent her a message today telling her my mind and she laughed. Yes, i got a text saying LOL........ So now I'm a joke? Why am i the one who's trying to fix the friendship when i didn't do anything? The only new information i got out of her was that my pattern of communication changed? I don't even know what she means by that. I asked her that question since last week Friday, and she hasn't bothered to reply. As much as it hurts me, i think i need to let this friendship go. I'm such a softie and i care about pple too much. It's not working for me anymore. I don't like anyone trying to make me feel foolish. What kind of friend does that. After everything that happened, i swallowed my pride and called her and left her a message to call me so we can talk. I got a text message almost 24hrs later barely addressing what i said. Finally, the next day i got another text that she was busy. She can't even give our friendship the courtesy of a call? I called her over a week ago and she still hasn't bothered to call me back. I expected much more. Them no use the friendship swear for me, i don leave am. But i want to be able to leave it once and for all without looking back. How in God's name do i do that?

I remember when i was talking to one dude who was being mean to me, one of my friends was like just stop talking to him. How hard can it be? She said if it were her, she would delete his number blah blah blah and all that good stuff. When the same thing happened to her, she first formed deleting his number. Within a week, she called me asking if i still had a text she had forwarded to me from him cos she wanted his number to call him. I didn't cos i had deleted the text. She got his number back somehow and called him. She even made me call him cos he wasn't taking her calls. Even after he called me back which confirmed he was ignoring her, she still called him again. This was after all the mouth she had made about how it was so easy for her to let go of guys from her life. That was just hypocrisy in action. I didn't rub it in her face though, but i talk am for my mind.

Besides that i feel like I'm caught in a cross fire. I've got a ton of family related issues that is like a festering boil about to burst. It's almost like in order to be on my mom's side, i have to hate my dad. I wonder how many kids out there are forced to chose sides btw their parents. I bet there are a lot. Anyway, that's a separate blog on its own. I'm stressed right now. I need to go clear my head.