If my feelings were a man
he would be a battered bent old soul with a walking stick
If my feelings were a woman
she would be a sensitive, raging biatch (watch ur fingers, she bites)
I long for/crave the feeling that comes with being wanted by
someone whom I like ALSO. (Keyword; reciprocity)
U like me, I don't like u
I like u, u don't like me.
Nah!
I crave physical touch
(is there unphysical touch?)
a hug that lets me know that i'm desired
a hug that lets me know i am safe
I feel like a little piece of me is broken
but i am scared
I am scared
cos
i
can't
fix it
cos
I don't know what is bro
ken
But on days like this
I feel it
I hear it
Don't u hear it?
That annoying creaking sound
you hear it,
but u have no idea where it's coming from.
I can tell something is broken and i am worried.
I have cried buckets and buckets
of tears
and i am afraid
i no longer
know
how
to be happy
I latch unto people
often the wrong ones
and hope they help me to be happy.
but they never do.
They have no idea how to be happy,
so how can they help me?
I don't need someone to make me feel complete
but there's this
itsy bitsy thing
called
VALIDATION
I crave it.
I seek it
when i give Daddy an invitation to my honors award ceremony
and he just looks at it and throws it on the table
no "good job"
how about "i'm proud of u"
i'll take that too.
I don't even dream he'll show up
So what i graduated with a 4.0 major GPA?
or research honors?
Big freaking deal,
u can't even pass the freaking MCAT.
You should have studied Nursing like i told u to
you never listen!
So i crave validation,
and look for it in places i shouldn't
with people
i shouldn't.
When am i going to validate myself?
When am i ever going to
tell myself and
BELIEVE
that i am OK
just the way i am?
What happened to that thing called
self-esteem?
I thot i had it.
I could have sworn i had it.
Maybe the reason i can't seem to find it these days,
is that i got it from the wrong source
BOYSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!
You are so cute,
you are so pretty,
you are gorgeous
so many compliments
for so long,
it is now a cliche
It no longer means anything
I am no longer flattered
Temporary validation
The people
who should have made me feel good about myself
didn't!
I felt invisible
I didn't count
I was the stubborn, rebellious teenager
(at least u heard me then)
I was the bad child
The child you couldn't stand
I felt no love
I felt shame instead.
Ashamed that i wasn't good enough
I didn't fit
Years have passed,
still, i can find no redemption.
I'm left with scars in my heart
and a pain that won't go away.
I feel like I'm broken
and I am worried
cos
I don't know
how to fix it.
I am not perfect,
but
i'll always be
ME.
(Abeg, those of u who think the title is a joke, it is not. I will not be caught dead writing a poem, as much as i hate those things. You can thank my Irish lit professor for that. I don't think someone told her when she was child that too much of everything is bad.)
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wow...
ReplyDeletei don't even have words..i just want to say that i hope you feel better about things, sometimes we dont often get the VALIDATION that we need from the ones we love but if we KNOW that we have made something of ourselves that makes it better...
hugs and kisses hun!
i love this. thank you. I couldnt have expressed myself that well.
ReplyDeleteYour words are sensual, deep, emotive and so nicely weaved. Love this so much xxx
ReplyDeleteBaby, it's gonna be alright, is all I can say.
ReplyDeleteHere's a big hug and lots of kisses {HUGS AND KISSES}
DEEP!! VERY DEEP
ReplyDeleteThere's something very sad about hanging on to friends or relationships or even family members for VALIDATION...it never quite works out...
ReplyDeleteThe only time I've gotten validation was from God...He's the only one that can reveal ur strengths and use them to cover ur weaknesses. He's the one that can give you joy from deep inside, and u won't even know why u're laughing...lol.
I loved this post to the tee...and if it reflects ur state of mind, I'm excited cos I know it's going to change real soon...
:)
Beautifully expressed but sad too. I know you'll push past this pain. We all carry scars we wish would heal and stop itching... One day that scar will be barely visible... and you'll no longer feel the pain.
ReplyDeleteNow where's your 'sixth', girl? Remember, it will guide you to where you need to be. So smile a little today and a little more tomorrow... and the day after that... until that scar stops itching.
wow. I felt the rawness of emotion in this.
ReplyDeleteBabes, you have to come to the point where you believe you are enough. Just as you are:you are enough! Without Daddy's validation or anyone elses' stamp of approval: you are enough.
Standardized tests can never define you. Only you can define you. A cyber hug your way....xxx
PS: I know you dont want to hear this, but that was poetry. Beautiful poetry.
Looks like a poem, smells like a poem...:)
ReplyDeleteYou are OK!
Friggin' Nigerians want everyone to study Nursing. Whatev!
You are OK mi dear. Keep your head up, try to adopt a positive 'tude. Oya repeat after me--> YES WE CAN! :)
1. when did you join the rainbow coalition?
ReplyDelete2. Like I've told you before, u'll be fine...
anyways,
3. Fear not Mary, I come bearing good tidings, you have found favor in bumight, you shall complete a tag and it shall be called "6 unspectacular quirks"...
Wait a second, what happened to my comment? I left it last week, I think? I can't remember what I wrote then, but I do remember liking this 'poem' and thinking it is so expressive.
ReplyDeleteHow are you doing?
Just had a conversation like this with my girls late last night. We came to the conclusion that we can't take what our parents say so personal anymore, lest we crumble. Perhaps u're dad never got words of encouragment from his father and now that's all he knows... maybe he thinks paying your school fees means u shouldn't bring anything less than a 4.o home... maybe he believes u know he's proud of you via all he does for u. Our generation need/crave words... we wanna hear when we do good, we wanna know when someones proud of us. Our parents gen ( majority of them) never got that sort of validation.
ReplyDeleteU know u r beautiful, u know u have achieved more than a lot of people your age, u know u aspire for greatness... don't wait for no ones validation mama cus u know u're the SHIT already. Keep u're head up cus we love you.
Thanks everyone for ur nice words. They made me smile.
ReplyDelete@solomonsydelle: I don't think ur first comment ever posted cos i didn't see it.
@naija chickito: Thanks for the hug, i really needed it.
@nigerican: Thanks. BTW, my dad didn't pay my tuition. I did. But i understand perfectly well what u are saying and i really don't blame my parents for the way they act. I know if they knew better they would do better. They are only doing what they know how to do. I only think about these kind of stuff when i'm trying to figure out why i'm so messed up sometimes.
Kisses everyone. You guys are awesome. Una too sweet.
it's certainly not a poem...
ReplyDeletebut words sraight from the heart ...which make it even more meanigful...
Being alone is good but sometimes we just need someone to lean on..
Being the troublesome teenager...been there so I can rightly say I know what u mean...
Particularly loved this line...If my feelings were a woman
she would be a sensitive, raging biatch (watch ur fingers, she bites)