This is soooooooo not a poem

If my feelings were a man
he would be a battered bent old soul with a walking stick
If my feelings were a woman
she would be a sensitive, raging biatch (watch ur fingers, she bites)

I long for/crave the feeling that comes with being wanted by
someone whom I like ALSO. (Keyword; reciprocity)

U like me, I don't like u
I like u, u don't like me.
Nah!

I crave physical touch
(is there unphysical touch?)
a hug that lets me know that i'm desired
a hug that lets me know i am safe

I feel like a little piece of me is broken
but i am scared
I am scared
cos
i
can't
fix it
cos
I don't know what is bro
ken

But on days like this
I feel it
I hear it
Don't u hear it?
That annoying creaking sound
you hear it,
but u have no idea where it's coming from.

I can tell something is broken and i am worried.

I have cried buckets and buckets
of tears
and i am afraid
i no longer
know
how
to be happy

I latch unto people
often the wrong ones
and hope they help me to be happy.
but they never do.
They have no idea how to be happy,
so how can they help me?

I don't need someone to make me feel complete
but there's this
itsy bitsy thing
called
VALIDATION
I crave it.

I seek it
when i give Daddy an invitation to my honors award ceremony
and he just looks at it and throws it on the table
no "good job"
how about "i'm proud of u"
i'll take that too.
I don't even dream he'll show up
So what i graduated with a 4.0 major GPA?
or research honors?
Big freaking deal,
u can't even pass the freaking MCAT.
You should have studied Nursing like i told u to
you never listen!

So i crave validation,
and look for it in places i shouldn't
with people
i shouldn't.

When am i going to validate myself?
When am i ever going to
tell myself and
BELIEVE
that i am OK
just the way i am?

What happened to that thing called
self-esteem?
I thot i had it.
I could have sworn i had it.
Maybe the reason i can't seem to find it these days,
is that i got it from the wrong source
BOYSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!

You are so cute,
you are so pretty,
you are gorgeous
so many compliments
for so long,
it is now a cliche
It no longer means anything
I am no longer flattered

Temporary validation

The people
who should have made me feel good about myself
didn't!
I felt invisible
I didn't count
I was the stubborn, rebellious teenager
(at least u heard me then)
I was the bad child
The child you couldn't stand
I felt no love
I felt shame instead.
Ashamed that i wasn't good enough
I didn't fit

Years have passed,
still, i can find no redemption.
I'm left with scars in my heart
and a pain that won't go away.

I feel like I'm broken
and I am worried
cos
I don't know
how to fix it.

I am not perfect,
but
i'll always be
ME.

(Abeg, those of u who think the title is a joke, it is not. I will not be caught dead writing a poem, as much as i hate those things. You can thank my Irish lit professor for that. I don't think someone told her when she was child that too much of everything is bad.)