Relationship issues

I hate guys
I hate relationships
I hate the games
I hate the rules
I hate everything!

JUST FOR TODAY.

I finally admitted to myself yesterday that i am scared of being in a relationship. I'm sure there are many reasons why but the bottomline is the thought of being that "dependent" on someone makes me very uncomfortable. Ok, to be honest, it scares the shit out of me. When i say dependent i mean, having another person who can affect ur emotions/moods/decisions and a host of other things. Then there's the issue of attachment. I become attached to people very easily and that has put me in serious trouble on many occasions. I have sworn, never again.

I would really love to be in a relationship, but at the same time i can't see myself in one. I think i have become too cynical to ever let myself be in a relationship. I'm sure there is someone out there who is "different" from the bunch of useless arseholes i have dealt with in the past, but the question is, will i let my guard down enough to build a relationship.

I went to hang out with this dude yesterday and he kept looking at me with a half smile on his lips and this dreamy look in his eyes. I swear, the look was like "I'm so in love with you". I bet he didn't know he was coming across that way, so i felt it was my duty to tell him. He was like you are so beautiful. He must have said it at least 5x the whole time we were together but i did not believe him for a second. Fine, i'm not talking about the actual compliment. That might be true. He he! I'm talking about the sincerity of the compliment. All i was thinking was, "how many other chics does he say that to?" We've been talking for 3 weeks even though we introduced ourselves to each other in July. Funny story. This dude went to my school and for some reason i noticed him cos we always used to be in the library at the same time in the summer. During summer semester there's not a lot of people in school talkless of the library so it was easy to notice him. One day we got on the elevator together about 2 yrs ago and he made a comment about my book. That was it.

I suspected he was Nigerian even though he didn't sound Nigerian, but one day i saw him smoking and i was like this dude can't be Nigerian. Yes oh, i'm stupid like that, as if Nigerians don't smoke. Fast forward 2 yrs later, we had both graduated, i was going to a the library in a school closer to my house to study for the blasted MCAT and i see him. We both looked at each other and i guess i was in a friendly mood that day so i said hey, and he was like "i know you from somewhere" acting like he forgot. I reminded him and went on my way (He later admitted that he knew exactly who i was). Yeye oshi! We saw the next day in the parking lot and exchanged numbers. He didn't call me and i wasn't feeling him so i didn't really care. Funny enough, he has the kind of cute face that i like, but i was sick of guys at that point. Besides the dude is exactly my height (5'5, although he's claiming 5'7, ok oh! If u say so) and he's light skinned and i like the dark - very dark skinned brothas.

Anyhoo, he never called but instead will send me random text messages from time to time just to say hey. He started pissing me off at one point cos i was like what the fuck is wrong with this dude? Can't he freaking call? So i stopped replying the text messages and completely boned (ignored) him. After not hearing from him for like a month straight, he sent me a text asking where i had disappeared to that's when i called him right back and asked him what the hell was up with the text messaging.

We started talking regularly since then. He is a complete goof ball, very silly, always cracking jokes. I'm always laughing when we talk and he's the kind of person i would like to be around. He had told me he was interested but not directly so of course i didn't address it. I wasn't sure if he was as cute as i remembered anyway, so i wanted to make sure b4 i started talking on those levels. So we hung out yesterday, but here's where things went south. First of all, i was really uncomfortable cos i knew he was looking for a chic, or so he had said earlier. I really can't imagine being in a relationship with anyone. That's something that has a negative connotation to me, so i kept asking myself what was i getting into as i drove down there.

Then i got there, we start talking and during the course of the conversation he says, he likes being single and isn't looking for a relationship. Eh hen? Talk true. Ok! So what do u want with me? Long story short, after much dancing around the topic, he says friends with benefits. Now, you have to understand that this is not a serious human being we are talking about here. We were not having a serious conversation, so i can't say he meant it, but the fact that those words left his mouth gives me cause for concern. I can't just pretend like he didn't say it (you see y i hate guys, they are never straightforward). Then he saw me looking at him (he really is cute, and this is not my usual way of calling everything cute. He has a cute baby face) and he was like, "don't fall in love with me". Hmmm...... I just concluded that i'm not going to mess with this dude even though i already like him at this point. Whether he was joking or not, the message i got to say it plainly was that he was just looking for a fuck buddy for the winter. Una know say cold don dey come. I'm not down with that. That's a recipe for disaster. I already have relationship issues, then i will now enter that kind of arrangement where there is a huge possibility of me getting attached to the dude. When e tire he go just waka comot leave me like that. Hell no!

I don't even know what all this long story was for anymore. I've lost my train of thought, bottomline is i know i have relationship issues and i'm not very happy right now.