I'm done!

I've tried to fight it. I really tried but i've been done since december 2008. I don't half ass do anything, but i've been half assing this blog for a minute. I love this blog so much. I am as attached to the little fairy house on top of my page, as i am to the green and black theme color of this blog. It isn't random, it was very well thought out. I wanted something visually appealing to me. I wanted a sanctuary. So i figured that if i was going to be spending time on here, i might as well make it into something that is pretty to look at.

Contrary to what my profile might say, i didn't start blogging february 2008. I started blogging January 23rd 2007. I remember that day very clearly. The fragile thread that had been holding my shattered pieces together had just broken and i was grasping at straws.

This is my fourth blog. I deleted my first blog because my sister found it and it caused some family drama cos of something i wrote plus i suspected Miss California over there was reading it. The 2nd and 3rd i deleted solely because of Miss California, yet she chased me until she found me here. Hmmm....! My first blog name was Bubbles. I identify more with that name that i ever will to Sting. I find it weird to be addressed as Sting (in emails). I really don't identify with that name at all. I was running, and in order to run i had to change my identity, yet it didn't work. She still hunted me down like a blood hound. Why couldn't she just let me have my little cyberspace to myself. Is it that hard? I am still very resentful of that, and my blood just boils whenever i check sitemeter and see that she's being here or even if it's just some random person from Los Angeles, California. I am still pissed beyond belief, you don't even know. Urghhh!!!!

When i started blogging in Jan 2007 i was hurting. I was in so much mental and emotional pain, even though i was seeing a therapist, i needed another outlet. That was my reason for blogging. I was so depressed, it was like this dark blanket was suffocating me and i couldn't shake it off. It was really tough. After i stopped seeing my therapist, blogging was there to pick up where she left off (I still miss her a lot). It was easier to blog, cos sometimes i felt like i was putting on a show for my friends. I didn't want to talk about how depressed i was everyday, so i would put on a "happy" face, then turn around and blog about how i was really feeling.

I can't do that anymore, at least not on this blog. There are so many things i have wanted to write about, everything and anything, that i haven't been able to because of Miss California and God knows who else she directed here. This place is no longer my own and it hasn't been for a long while. It's almost like i'm anonymous, but i'm not at the same time. That's a load of crap.

I have to look for impersonal things to talk about when there are stuff that i really want to talk about but can't. I don't want to do this anymore. At this point i am not sure what the next step is. I have a couple of blog ideas and i might chose to go in that direction. I'm really excited about getting into med school (the excitement increases everyday), and i might want to start a blog about my experiences. I'm sure it's going to involve some crazy stuff. I seem to have a special gift of embarrassing myself wherever i go. I think it's going to be interesting living in a predominantly white state. I had the funniest experience last weekend that illustrates how sheltered i have been (you really don't want to know). So i might start a new blog when i start med school and move 13hrs away. Fun times, i hope.

I'm not sure what i want to do yet. I might or might not continue to post on here. I don't know, but what i do know is that this Nigerian Scorpio is no longer smiling.