I don't hate anyone

Okay, i had a moment yesterday. I don't hate anybody. I just hate a lot of things that are going on. This is nothing new, i've been fighting my family issues for years. I grew up thinking my mom disliked me. Whether it was the truth or just my perception is another story, but what remains is that that was my reality. Do u have any idea the emotional deprivation that leads to especially since i didn't have a father or another adult figure to act as a buffer.

I've had to live with the shame of feeling like i wasn't good enough. I reasoned that something has to be wrong with me unless she wouldn't treat me this way. I've tried to talk to her about it, but it always leads to a blow out cos she takes it like i'm attacking her and she's the victim. My feelings are never acknowledged talk less of being addressed. My teenage years were the most horrible years of my life because of this woman. I have so many negative memories of those years. I remember her telling my dad over the phone that i was having sex when i was sixteen and i wasn't. I have never been so embarrassed in my life cos my dad was practically a stranger to me. I only saw him once a year if that.

I don't think she's a horrible person or anything close to that. She just doesn't know how to have a relationship with me. I have tried on numerous occasions to talk to her or get close to her but it doesn't work. She's only friendly to me, when i sister is not around and that is not even always the case. She takes whatever issue i bring to her attention and turns it around, and it becomes all about her and she's the victim. The difference between the way she treats me and my other siblings is so glaring. The only time she talks to me is to lecture me and tell me the things i already know or stuff that's irrelevant. I was so disappointed a couple of weeks ago when she was on one of her lecture sessions and she told me that i talk too much on the phone and i talk to too many people. I only talk to ONE person regularly on the phone and it's never when i'm at home or for long periods cos he's not a phone person and i totally dislike talking on the phone these days. I was like wow, i exist in the same space as this lady and she doesn't even know the first thing about me.

Today was the straw that broke the camel's back. My sister has been very bitchy to me for a good while now, but i try to be the bigger person and still be civil and engage in conversations with her. I'm older than her, yet i have to say hi to her unless she just ignores me and acts like i'm not there. (This is nothing new, she's never acted like she liked me, so it's not out of character for her to behave that way to me). It got to the point where i couldn't take it anymore and told my mom. Big mistake! She spent the first 10 minutes playing the victim card and making the conversation all about her (this is one reasons i never try to talk to her), when i tell her that if she doesn't want to address the issue i'm bringing to her attention we should forget about what i told her, she finally tells me i said something to my sister about my dog and some bullshit that still doesn't make sense to me (I don't want to put my sister's business out there before i get in trouble again). I do not even remember that conversation and what i'm being accused of saying is nothing, cos i was never going to leave my dog behind anyway. I was like is that why she's mad and my mom totally takes her side, and the whole thing went down hill from there. I totally dislike passive aggressive people. These people have been treating me like shit for the last couple of months over some dog comment i made? I was mad. Seriously, in the last 2 months i've had maybe two 5 minutes conversations with my mom. She only answers me when i greet her and thats it for the rest of the day. My sister is even worse than that. I had no idea what i did cos nothing happened. They just turned cold(er) towards me.

I did something i haven't done since i was 16. I threw stuff around. I threw a table across the room, pushed my sister's computer monitor off the table. I didn't care if i hurt someone. I was that angry. Why am i the only one who gives a shit about being close to these people, yet they are holding petty grudges against me. What did i say that was so bad? I've felt like crap for the last couple of months, but i have been brushing it off and hoping it gets better. My mom says all these horrible things about me and i don't even understand how she comes up with it.

I'm at the point where enough is enough. I went to therapy because i was depressed as a result of almost being killed and instead of talking about the issue which brought me there in the first place i spent 95% of the time talking about my family issue. I've had enough. I refuse to force myself into a relationship that is not emotionally healthy for me. These people are not concerned about my well being, as far as they are concerned i am a robot with no feelings or emotions. Why should they give a shit how i feel. Thank God i didn't get into a school in Georgia, Morehouse even sent me a rejection letter yesterday. 13hrs is far enough for me. They can pretend that i no longer exist after i leave. I'm sure that would suit their purposes better.

P.S. The usual advice i get is try to talk to ur mother, blah blah. Be straightforward and lay the issues out without any emotion. That shit doesn't work with my mother. I have tried NUMEROUS times. As far as she is concerned i'm this horrible, difficult child who she can't understand or deal with. Besides, it's always about her anyway, who gives a shit how i feel.