Introspection

I think it's interesting how we think we are one way but the reality might be different. That's why i hate those tell me about yourself question. Big med school interview question, btw. Well, my sister told me a couple of days ago that i was condescending and after having time to process it and observe myself objectively, i think i believe her. It was easy for the message to sink in cos it wasn't like we were fighting when she said it. She said it a couple of times while laughing after i said something to her fiance, so i asked later if she meant it and she said yes. She repeated something i said to him and made me put myself in his shoes. What i said sounded totally different from what i really meant. I agree cos when i get into arguement with people and they try to say, i didn't do this or you can't think that based on what i did, i always say that I am the recipient of ur behavior, let me tell u how u came across, cos most times we just don't know.

Being told i am condescending has made me more aware of my thot process especially when filling out job applications. Most of the time i'm thinking to myself what kind of stupid questions are these. I feel like these jobs are beneath me. Now before u go rolling ur eyes at me, let me tell u that i've only had 3 jobs. The first one was working for my dad at his liquor store. I did that for almost 5 yrs. Overlapping that was the research assistant job that became a research technician job, and overlapping the research tech job was the mental health assistant job. So i've never worked in a fast food restuarant or department store or any of the places pple start out working at.

The thot of being paid $8 an hour just totally rubs me the wrong way. I was making way more than that as an undergrad. I wouldn't even have given a second thot to what i was thinking abt this job search process if my sister hadn't said i was condescending. So maybe i am condescending or maybe i'd rather be in school instead of looking for some bullshit $8 an hour job. I don't really know, but i am applying though. I need to pay those bills and i don't do idleness very well. So i guess when the time comes i will get off my high horse and go to work and have a good attitude too. That's what professionalism is all about. At least i learned that from my 6 month stint in med sch. It's so crazy that even when things were at their roughest in school, i still didn't c myself doing anything else. When my M2 friend came over to c me, she asked me if i won a million dollars would i come back to med school and i said yes and meant it. I told my sister yesterday that if it was someone that was making me do this, i would have left it a long time ago, but instead i feel driven not just to become a doctor but more than that. I know my life's purpose lies in there somewhere. I don't think i'm going to save the world or any of that idealistic crap, but I know i have been put on this earth to make a difference. I know it and i will see this journey to the end.

I am paranoid that one of my classmate is reading this blog. He used my computer when we first started school and found my blog from the history. He admitted to reading it and any time he would take my computer he would read my blog. Which i didn't like. I don't know if he was curious enough to memorise my blog url or he just searches for my blog title which is easy to remember. I noticed that someone did that when i was looking at google analytics. Also, someone from the city my school is at has been coming on this blog. Well, i had a reader from that city way before i started med school, so it could be that person. Who knows.

I'm just paranoid esp since right now the dude is not one of my favorite pple. He was the 2nd person in my class that i told what happened. He went and told this chic that i'm not friends with and actually had issues with which he KNEW about and she calls me and leaves me a message. I was so angry. I called him and he opened his mouth to say, i thot u would want her to know. What?!!! At that point i knew it was just gossip. Then he was like, oh, do you know the other person in our class that this happened to. I told him i didn't hear anything and he said "let me shut up cos i'm really sounding like an amebo". At least he got that right. This dude has not once called me to see how i am doing. Not once, since Jan 10th when i told him, and after i called him abt telling that other chic stuff. Not once! And silly me was thinking he was my friend. I went to his church twice and even called him once after service, he never picked his phone or called me back. What kind of human being is that. Yet pple who were my hi-hello friends have called me to check on me or even sent me facebook messages. People never cease to amaze me. I'm still learning sha. I shouldn't be giving everyone the title of friend.