.........

There's this guy..................
I like him A LOT. When i met him, i didn't start out liking him........like that. I thought he was cool, we gisted for long hours and it flowed. He's always been a treat to look at cos besides being cute with a capital Q, i really think he's gorgeous, but that's just me. He doesn't agree with me, but like i always tell him, he's not the one looking at himself. I felt very comfortable talking to him cos there was none of that, "i like u" vibe going on. I kind of knew he liked me, but it wasn't something that i thought about. I could tell him how cute i thot he was cos i didn't like him.... like that. I even told him that i'm glad i didn't like him cos if i did, i could see myself REALLY liking him.

I don't know what happened, how it happened or exactly when it happened, but things have changed. Now, i like him...... like that and i am scared. I have been very mean and nasty to him lately and i'm worried. I'm not sure why i am being nasty to him. I'm being a total spoiled brat with him and i wonder if i'm trying to chase him away. Make him not like me anymore, that way this "thing" between us no longer exists and i am no longer vulnerable.

I'm really not sure why i have been acting this way and he's so tolerant although sometimes i can sense he's losing his patience but i still keep on being mean. Then i feel bad and apologize cos even as i'm saying the things i'm saying i know i'm wrong. I don't know if i'm testing him and seeing what my boundaries are or maybe i want him to see the worst side of me, that way if he sticks around, i know he really likes me. I'm sitting here psychoanalyzing myself and i've not come up with a conclusive answer. I guess that psych degree was good for something afterall. I just hate behaving like this and i'm worried i can't control myself and then he ends up disliking me. 

In other news, i've been sick. I feel like my body is fighting something. My lymph nodes under my neck hurts, i've had this headache for over a week now, I feel crappy, plus my poop has been white for a week (forgive me if i grossed you out). Something to do with my bile ducts, not sure. I freaked out today cos i think it's worse when you don't know what's wrong with you. I don't have health insurance, i need to look for a doctor, don't know if i can afford to pay when i go see one. Just a bunch of crap. I'm going to go try to see a doctor tomorrow though cos i'm not getting better, i'll probably go to an urgent care clinic. I refuse to go to the ER over this. I'll be there forever, and i don't think this is a case for the ER, even though my dramatic side thinks i might be dying.