Introspection II

Who are you?

Be who you are and love yourself while u are at it.
Logical...makes sense, right?
It's something i struggle with.........a lot.

There's a desire to be more than i am, which in a way is a good thing cos it paves the way for growth and prevents complacence.
Then there's the feeling of not being good enough. Broken............ never damaged, but needing fixing.
I should be more extroverted and out going.
I should like partying and going out.
I should want to dress sexy and show off my body.
I should be more into fashion and be more "girly".
I should want to wear make-up and act my age.
I should look like a woman instead of a little girl.
I should be more submissive and domesticated
I should be less "Westernized" and more Nigerian
I should accept that it's my duty as a Nigerian woman to serve a man
I should be really looking forward to getting married and being someone's wife.

But i'm not any of those things. Where do i draw the line between wanting to be a better person and not feeling good enough.

Love yourself, love yourself, love yourself!
I can honestly say that i don't love myself. Most times, i don't even like myself. Maybe i am a defeated perfectionist.
You would think i should be in love with myself with the number of people who love and like me. People tell me all these things about myself. I believe them because intellectually i know these things, but it's not good enough. It has to come from within.

A lot of healing needs to take place. I need to open my hands in order to be able to receive and at the same time let go of old and redundant baggage.

I understand that before i can truly love anybody in the purest sense of that word, or let anyone love me, I must love myself. In order to love myself, i have to accept myself as an imperfect human. I'm not God so it's okay to make mistakes. What matters more than the mistakes we make are the lessons we learn from them. So i should learn my lessons instead of internalizing stuff and thinking i'm the worst person that ever walked the face of this planet (i really don't think that).

So here i am......ready to start loving myself. I think i'm cool people, so it shouldn't be that hard :D

I wonder where this came from, i really came here to blog about the crumpets i had for breakfast. I must be british in my next life :) I still want a British accent but i have accepted that it's not going to happen in this life time. Sucks for me :(