Relationship thoughts

I've managed to get myself worked up over some bullshit (thanks to a classmate) and can no longer concentrate. I've only done 1/4 of what i was supposed to do today, yet i have been sitting on this chair for the last 14 hours (I kid you not). I'm just going at a snail's pace. Tomorrow, i am packing all my jigida and going to school. I can't have anymore of this kind of study days. Too risky for my goals.


I think it's interesting to see girls who still live in fairytale land when it comes to relationships. I admire the innocence that gives them the ability to do that. It's an innocence which i no longer have (thank God?). I have no rose colored glasses when it comes to relationships and i am a complete realist. Meet a guy in another continent, less than 6 months later you are talking about getting married when your entire relationship has existed online and on the phone. While it is very possible that things could work out perfectly because relationships are never black or white, i have lost the ability to put myself in such a position. I don't know if that is a good or bad thing.

The thought of being in a relationship is not exciting to me, neither is getting married. I bet if i was American, i would be one of those girls who didn't want to get married. I've never been excited, eager or even wanted to get married in my entire life. I thought it would get better as i got older, but it hasn't. I have resigned myself that it would eventually happen, but i will never be one of those girls who are itching and can't wait. Sometimes i wonder if something is wrong with me. My African woman wiring has malfunctioned. I don't want to change my last name, neither do i want to hypenate it. A lot of Nigerian men would not go for that. It's not impossible that i would find a man who wouldn't care. They exist, but i can't pick a partner simply because he would let me keep my name.

I feel relationships are a landmine and everybody is an actor. You can be real all you want but then be unfortunate to meet a demon in disguise. You think you know someone and then find out it was all an act. You really had no clue. I always say the only person you can vouch for is yourself, because you never know what is going through someone's mind. There are a lot of animals roaming this earth disguised as humans. It is quite sad actually. I used to be the most trusting person you would ever meet. Your word is your bond. Once you told me something, i took it as gospel. I could never imagine someone lying to me simply because i never lied to anyone (except my mother when i was a teenager and wanted to go out :) My father once told me i was naive and i was furious, but he was right. That was years ago though. Life has happened. Plenty, plenty. There is still a little bit of naivete left in me, but for the most part, i am a jaded, cynical little witch, waiting for the other shoe to drop. It usually does and no i do not precipitate it. You say you should cover your ass from left to right, ask all the right questions, yet they come from front to back, in the most unexpected way. 

This was not the post i intended to write. I guess relationships have been on my mind lately esp since friend girl is having her fairy tale one and i just can't imagine it. I definitely would never burst anyone's bubble, it's just interesting to watch. I used to be down for anything. International relationships, sure, but not anymore. I don't think it's worth the stress or the expense. It's not even that serious and because i have tried talking to someone in another country before, i can say i would never do it again. I'm not in the business of knocking things i haven't tried.

It's funny that at this time in my life when i should be bothered about getting in a relationship, i am going in the opposite direction. A good number of the girls in my secondary school class are married and are starting to have kids. Instead of me to be thinking of how to find (a) man, I have pretty much boycotted guys this year, main reason being that i needed to focus on school and boards. I wish was 18 or even 21 again and didn't have to bother about this because men and their wahala, i just can't deal with it and i don't know when (or if) i will be ready. It's work. People are crazy mehn. Hearing about all these men killing their wives is not helping matters. I just want to have my two daughters and be done, but i don't want to have kids if i don't have a man, rock and hard place things. At this point, as much as i would love a Nigerian man, if i find a good one from any race except (the one my father threatened me about lol), i would have to ditch my naija brothers. I guess the key is to find someone who you can work with. I just can't imagine jumping into marriage with someone i barely know. This things is supposed to be forever. Even though i wholeheartedly believe in divorce, i don't want one if i can help it, neither do i want to be suffering and smiling in a horrible, loveless marriage that i am just managing. Mba nu. I refuse.

I was angry when i started this post and i had just sent someone who offended me an email (not a guy). Now, i feel better. Writing really is therapeutic. I apologize if this was a rambling post. My brother already told me my blog is boring and he can't be bothered to read it. Chei!