I impulsively deleted my blog a couple of days ago.
To be honest, i have moments when i feel like i'm sharing my life with people who don't care and no, i'm not referring to anyone in particular. I've never been much of a complainer and i really can't objectively say how much complaining i do on this blog. Maybe a lot, maybe a little, i really don't know. I'm not the first person to go to med school and i won't be the last. Besides nobody forced me to go to med school so why should i bother anyone with my complaints. At the same time when i'm more rational, i get that this is my space and i can pretty much do whatever i want with it since i'm not forcing anyone to read.
Shoulda, woulda, coulda.....i'm not sure if i will ever get past that but it gets better as the years go by and it doesn't seem as big of a deal. For those of you who just started reading this blog, i started med school in 2009 and i should have been graduating next year, but life happened and i was out of school for 6 months. I never would have dreamt i would have the experiences i have had in med school. This is not the med school life i pictured in my head. This has hands down been the most difficult time of my life and i never would have been able to imagine how hard it would be for me. I have never felt so dumber, so unlike myself and yet so blessed in my entire life.
Majority (definitely not all) of my classmates have taken step 1, but i wanted more time to study so i requested my vacation month be switched and instead of starting rotations this July i am starting in August. I was supposed to start with surgery July/August, instead i would be doing surgery next May/June, the absolute worst rotation to end the year with. Worst rotation, worst time. I don't want to say i've had enough of studying because i know i'm just having a bad day but i'm getting there. I just couldn't seem to get it together today. Yesterday, i was SICK. Throbbing headache, fever, i feel like i'm about to die, call 911 kinda sick. It got to the point my dad was panicked and wanted me to call 911, but i decided to sleep it off and see how i felt today. I'm not 100, but i feel better today. So of course, it goes without saying i didn't study yesterday.
Sometimes it hits me how much i rely on this blog for support. Besides my family, i only have one friend i can vent to and she's going to be graduating next year, only God knows where the match is going to take her, then it will be just me. I wonder how it's going to be. I don't think it would be that different though but we shall see. Found out today that another one of "us" is repeating first year, that makes it 5 now and there might be more. Black kids are definitely a minority in my school. In my class, there are literally only 6 of us out of 200+ who are black so we have that sense of community, cos it's almost like whatever is going on with one of us, reflects on the rest of us, good or bad. The class after mine, have more minority kids cos my school was cited for lack of diversity during their reaccreditation a couple of years ago and it's just crazy that since they went on summer vacation, everyday, we keeping hearing of someone who is repeating. My school is gangsta mehn! You will repeat because of ONE point. No exaggeration. No remediation, nothing. Once you are repeating, you are on automatic probation, and being on probation means that whatever leeway you might have had is GONE. If you too shake body, you will find yourself kicked out of med school for good.
This post was kinda pointless but the main gist of it is sometimes i feel weird blogging about my life the way i do and I don't know if i come across as a complainer or someone who thinks their life just sucks blah blah. It really shouldn't matter but i have moments where i feel vulnerable and get uncomfortable.
Thank you and Good night.
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Hey,
ReplyDeleteYou are not alone and yes there are strangers out there who care believe it or not. You venting here, believe it or not, makes me admire you even more for what you go through. I see you as a strong person and this may sound silly coming from someone over the net, but I have no doubt you are going to pull through and make it with flying colors. A few of my close friends are jsut starting med schl and honestly reading your blog has given me the mental preparedness and foretaste of what they will be going through. I can honestly say that I can empathize with you and with what they will go through because of what you have written, and thanks for that preparedness. You will pull through oh - You gat this because God has no doubt gat you! All the best :D
Aww...
ReplyDeleteblogging is chicken soup for the soul... :-)
Sometimes reading about the highs and lowd of others lets us know that we are not alone. Though not specifically.. I can relate with you in so many ways, and it's encouraging... deleting your blog would be -->> :-(
I don't think there is nothing wrong with venting, i know medical school is hard and writing is therapeutic..besides this is your space and whoever wants to read will read...no be by force!
ReplyDeleteOmg Sting, what are you effing saying? We care about you. I care about you. Why, why, why would you delete your blog? Don't. I read your blog every day and I know how med school is a pain for you but every time you put up a post, I think 'good, she's still hanging in there.'
ReplyDeleteSo hang in there.
Love an hugs
Sugabelly
I care! even though i don't comment every time, i read most of your post since when i was in college and like a comment above it gave me an insight on what being a med student is like...even though i just started, i'm already experiencing how it is in little doses...lol. I also don't think you come across as a complainer. you are just being human and everyone does the same.
ReplyDeletemay God strengthen you!
We all have our days joo and u have captured the gist of it very well. IF people like, they read, if they dont, they dont.
ReplyDeletePlenty plenty hugs from here cos I dont even have 1st, 2nd-3rd or 100th hand idea of how that system (med school) works. You are the one in it and if you say it pinches tightly, then it does.
Here, do you want a batch of chinchin?
HoneyDame, no dey play with my stomach emotions o. If it's real chin chin, then i'm there. lol.
DeleteLike Jemima said, it's your space. Whoever doesn't wana read can just keep it moving. It feels good to know you're hanging in there though. You'll be fine xo
ReplyDeleteAs each year goes by, I'm more aware of the therapeutic benefits of blogging and I'm increasingly using my blogs for that. In fact I'm in that zone right now than I've ever been and enjoying it too. Yes I sometimes feel self conscious - like we all do - but that's natural - human. Like you said, it's your space and you should make it as comfy as you need it to be. That includes being you however you want that to be. Anyone who comes in your space should take it for what it is or leave. Shikena!
ReplyDeleteI started frequently blogsville more after med school if not am very sure that I would have been sounding like you. I did physiology first,finished it ,then started med school. So maybe u can imagine how long ma posts would have been. Its okay to complain and like u already said its your space and you aint forcing anybody to read it.
ReplyDeleteMed school is a phase dearie,it would SURELY pass.
I love reading U̶̲̥̅̊я space maybe cos I can relate with it,and I like U̶̲̥̅̊я wit.
Gods grace dear.
*hugs*
life happens differently than we expect it to. I noticed ur blog was gone and i thot u had kicked me out again! my dear ehn, i wont make assertions that na me care pass about u but i enjoy reading ur blog - it is as therapeutic as blogging is for me. u have the courage to tok about ur life objectively - and u r right, u no force anyone to read. it is ur space.
ReplyDeletemy job has been unkind to me and it gets to a point it'd seem i am making things up just to get the sympathy of the system. being black and female in a male-dominated multicultural setting has made me feel so dumb and clueless and victimized. i cant recognize d girl i used to be - not over sharp but at least i cud hold my own. all i'm saying dear sting is that i relate with u feelings and i'm not apologizing so pls dont. and pls dont delete ur blog again, pls?
THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH FOR PUTTING UP WITH ME. I appreciate your kind, encouraging words and i know my brain touches from time to time so please continue to bear with me. Your support means more to me that you would ever know. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
ReplyDeleteOne of the best if not the best part of my med school experience was my roommate. Odd? not so much. Because I honestly don't know how I could have gone through school without having someone to vent or "complain" to every day about being a foreign immigrant doing the med school thing. From the beginning trying to get a cosigner for my loan since i don't have a green card, doing a post bacc program, med school tests, exams, rotations, looking for residencies that would sponsor my visa...it has been hectic, and the only way to deal with it.at least for me was to talk. Luckily, she was a good listener and vented to me everyday too, and when i met up with other friends, we vented some more. So maybe we are all complainers that go through this thing? lol. I can't speak for others but I know when I read your blog, i feel empathy and sympathy and nostalgia. Heck you couldn't pay me enough money to take step 1 again! Horrible exams those things. Anyways like you said in one of your posts a while back, this journey is tough and often thankless, but there are worthwhile life changing moments. I have become a better person in some ways ...but maybe a little jaded too. The journey gets easier (4th year will be a breeze), then harder (intern year),,,and better again..and then keeps being better. So hang in there, complain, vent, laugh, be crazy, do whatever you need to let of steam. Share your frustrations and joys with us when you can, but if you keep them private that's fine too. Basically, I jus want you to do whatever you need to succeed and be happy, and know that random strangers like me are routing for you.
ReplyDeleteYou want to make me cry. This brought tears to my eyes. Thank you.
DeleteThat was such a long comment...was too lazy to proof read so excuse my typos above.
ReplyDeleteJust know that we're here. For some/most of us, No judging, no criticizing. Just listening, or rather reading. Life no easy mehn
ReplyDeleteThanks Addy!
Delete