Just Stuff

I impulsively deleted my blog a couple of days ago.

To be honest, i have moments when i feel like i'm sharing my life with people who don't care and no, i'm not referring to anyone in particular. I've never been much of a complainer and i really can't objectively say how much complaining i do on this blog. Maybe a lot, maybe a little, i really don't know. I'm not the first person to go to med school and i won't be the last. Besides nobody forced me to go to med school so why should i bother anyone with my complaints. At the same time when i'm more rational, i get that this is my space and i can pretty much do whatever i want with it since i'm not forcing anyone to read.

Shoulda, woulda, coulda.....i'm not sure if i will ever get past that but it gets better as the years go by and it doesn't seem as big of a deal. For those of you who just started reading this blog, i started med school in 2009 and i should have been graduating next year, but life happened and i was out of school for 6 months. I never would have dreamt i would have the experiences i have had in med school. This is not the med school life i pictured in my head. This has hands down been the most difficult time of my life and i never would have been able to imagine how hard it would be for me. I have never felt so dumber, so unlike myself and yet so blessed in my entire life.

Majority (definitely not all) of my classmates have taken step 1, but i wanted more time to study so i requested my vacation month be switched and instead of starting rotations this July i am starting in August. I was supposed to start with surgery July/August, instead i would be doing surgery next May/June, the absolute worst rotation to end the year with. Worst rotation, worst time. I don't want to say i've had enough of studying  because i know i'm just having a bad day but i'm getting there. I just couldn't seem to get it together today. Yesterday, i was SICK. Throbbing headache, fever, i feel like i'm about to die, call 911 kinda sick. It got to the point my dad was panicked and wanted me to call 911, but i decided to sleep it off and see how i felt today. I'm not 100, but i feel better today. So of course, it goes without saying i didn't study yesterday.

Sometimes it hits me how much i rely on this blog for support. Besides my family, i only have one friend i can vent to and she's going to be graduating next year, only God knows where the match is going to take her, then it will be just me. I wonder how it's going to be. I don't think it would be that different though but we shall see. Found out today that another one of "us" is repeating first year, that makes it 5 now and there might be more. Black kids are definitely a minority in my school. In my class, there are literally only 6 of us out of 200+ who are black so we have that sense of community, cos it's almost like whatever is going on with one of us, reflects on the rest of us, good or bad. The class after mine, have more minority kids  cos my school was cited for lack of diversity during their reaccreditation a couple of years ago and it's just crazy that since they went on summer vacation, everyday, we keeping hearing of someone who is repeating. My school is gangsta mehn! You will repeat because of ONE point. No exaggeration. No remediation, nothing. Once you are repeating, you are on automatic probation, and being on probation means that whatever leeway you might have had is GONE. If you too shake body, you will find yourself kicked out of med school for good.

This post was kinda pointless but the main gist of it is sometimes i feel weird blogging about my life the way i do and I don't know if i come across as a complainer or someone who thinks their life just sucks blah blah. It really shouldn't matter but i have moments where i feel vulnerable and get uncomfortable.

Thank you and Good night.