Thanksgiving Dinner

Forgive the crappy pictures

Second time i am eating pizza this year if i remember correctly. I went to Walmart to get some stuff and saw it. I decided what the hell, i have nothing to eat anyway. I finished this whole pizza by myself, all the while thinking 310 calories not bad. Only after it was all said and done did it dawn on me that it was 310 calories per serving and i had no clue how many servings it was. There were 4 servings! Oh wells, it's in my tummy now. Whatchugon do?

I wasn't supposed to get today off and a lot of my classmates didn't. I got home last night and my resident had emailed me that the clerkship director said if i get today off then i have to work on saturday my regular off day, but she was going to let me have both days off. You don't understand! Tears came to my eyes, literally. I needed that mental break. Shit is going down and i have been dealing with a lot. You don't have to be exceptionally bright to figure out i have been depressed and everyday is harder. I used to have off days where i would sleep it off and feel better the next day, but that hasn't happened this time. I'm almost at the point where i think i might need meds cos this isn't working out.

I pick and chose what i share on this blog and instead of pretending like everything is fine, i just have to be honest and say everything is not fine. I am depressed and 99% of it has to do with med school. I think i am burnt out plus i am also dealing with some issues. I literally have a yr and half left and i want to finish. This is still what i want to do, i just wish my experience was easier. I got a bad (i think) evaluation from the attending who made me cry. Luckily, i had gone to the clerkship coordinator about some concerns i had and that opened a can of worms and i am to meet with the clerkship director to figure out a way forward and get feedback. If i hadn't said anything, nothing would have been done for me and i wouldn't have found out anything.

I am trying hard to get my mind right and in good spirits and i know to get the help that i need. I drank coffee for the first time in my life today and even though it was the mildest form, it still gave me a headache. It made me feel more alive for a couple of hours though.

Anyway, happy thanksgiving. I remain thankful for my family. I feel blessed for their support and we are all alive to answer present. That is the greatest blessing. I am thankful for the very few friends i have who love and put up with me and support me. I am also thankful for still being in school. I worked for it, i am still working for it, it's killing me but i will make it.

P.S I hate these kind of posts which is why i try to avoid them. It makes me feel exposed and vulnerable. I am supposed to be a strong African woman.