Privilege

 These eyes have seen

babies born 

some through the vagina

others through the uterus in the OR

some with lots of blood and gore, others barely making a mess

Singletons, multiples

all new life added to the world

 These eyes have seen

fetuses turned products of conception

9 weeks - perfectly formed fingers and toes

10 weeks- fingers, toes, hands, legs, vertebrae, eyes

12 weeks- hands, legs, ribs- look, a penis

15 weeks - even bigger - let's put it all together

My heart skips a bit

I try not to forget to breath. Straight face.

"yes, I'm okay"

These eyes have seen

a body still warm to the touch with undigested food in the stomach

a body with fresh blood dripping from a half blown off head, 

brain and skull missing from where they should be

Lots of flesh hanging from the side of the head, looking out of place.

A decomposing body, dry, shriveled and green, smell out of this world

alone in an apartment, dead for weeks.

No one missed him for that long

These eyes have seen

generous and kind souls who donated their bodies to science

Cadavers - a welcome to med school gift

Block 1 -Cover the heads with towels, Ease them in gently

Depersonalize - Head and Neck is Block 3

Skin off, piece by piece, organ by organ, 

You form an attachment - Our body.
You name her Rosa

 Body transected, skull taken off, looking less human with each passing block 

"What are you having for lunch?"

"This looks like steak"

"I am so hungry!!"

Block 4 - Pelvis and Lower extremities

"We need another penis"

These eyes have seen

fathers, mothers, sons and daughters

communicating one day, intubated the next, dead in a week

obs for colonoscopy prep - just one overnight stay
 goes home 2 weeks later on hospice

come in for an elective procedure, take a turn for the worse

get better, sigh of relief, things are looking up

Flips a switch, DNR/DNI, comfort cares - all in less than 48 hours

family all around, tears, group hug - last breaths

  I say my silent goodbye wishing i could unsee the grief of this family

 I turn around and quietly leave the room, 

careful not to intrude on this scared moment

 as family help their loved one make the transition
from life to death

Shit!

It hasn't gotten easier but at the same time it has.