982

Since I'm sitting here, wasting time, I might as well blog. I'm trying to make peace with silence. Over the past few months, I have become afraid of silence. The act of being alone with my thoughts. So if i couldn't have someone over (which is most of the time), then I always had a show playing on my ipad. As soon as i wake up in the morning, the next thing i do after turning off my alarm is to go on Pandora. I start listening to music until I get into my car, then i switch off Pandora and listen to naija music until i get to the hospital. I didn't put conscious thought into what i was doing and why but that was a pattern that just developed.

I can draw while listening to music, but i can't read or write anything (including blog), my brain just refuses to work that way. I've also noticed that I have been avoiding sitting down to read anything whether for leisure or school. The last time I actually studied like a proper medical student was September 2013 when I took step 2. After that, I haven't sat down for more than an hour or even 30mins to read. This is very sad because I have had time this year both to build up my medical knowledge and read for pleasure but I just can't seem to do it. The craziest thing is i used to love to read. I was a classic book worm even after starting med school.

First and 2nd year after every exam (which was monthly), I would go to the used book store and get novels to read, because it gave me so much pleasure and it was how i relaxed. You would think after been forced to read so much for exams I wouldn't want to read another word, but I just loved novels because they have the ability to transport you to a different time and place. But as i progressed through med school, reading became associated with stress and now the thought of reading anything is anxiety provoking. Studying for step 2 CK was HELL and I had to work with a cognitive behavioral therapist to deal with the anxiety while studying for that exam. So i guess it's not surprising that I haven't wanted to touch a book since then. I didn't prepare for Step 2 CS. I just couldn't do it. I was absolutely convinced that I failed it and I was prepared to take the blame, but i actually did well on all the sections and was ecstatic when my sister told me i passed (I refused to check the result myself. Fear no let me).

I still buy novels and I still want to study for school so I have been a little stressed about not being able to read. It finally occurred to me why I have been running away from silence yesterday and I have decided to confront it. It all boils down to being afraid of anxiety. The music and the shows don't necessarily keep it at bay but with them, I'm not so focused on my thoughts. So i have decided to practice some "exposure" therapy and just confront the silence daily until it is no longer an issue.

This is my 982nd blog post. I've had such an ambivalent relationship with my blog this year. I struggled with not wanting to renew my domain name this year because I honestly thought I would never blog again. I renewed it last minute and i figured i have a year to decide what i want to do with the blog. I'm glad i forced myself to start blogging again because I don't think the desire would have come back naturally. I think there is something to be said for being able to blog (somewhat consistently) since 2007. I regret deleting my first 3 blogs. My first blog had 81 posts when i deleted it in 2007. It would have been nice to go back and read when was going on in my head back then but i was so concerned about remaining anonymous that whenever i found out someone i knew found my blog, i would delete it. So this blog was actually started in 2008.

 Now i don't care so much about being anonymous. I try to avoid mentioning my real name, where i go to med school or any other obvious identifiers. Lots of people have seen what i look like on instagram (quite the monster if i say so myself. Someone told me i look way better than I sound. Apparently when i write about myself i make myself sound fat and nerdy looking. Interesting. lol). I know there a quite a few people who know me in real life who read my blog. I've actually given my blog address to multiple people. I had a friend tell me he wouldn't read my blog if he didn't know me because it's not a news or gossip blog. Oga thank you. lol. Someone even said it was a narcissistic blog because it's all about me (shey u see naija people). I guess he thinks all blogs should be amebo blogs. Anyway, I'm still here, albeit struggling to be, but i'm here. My goal would be to make it to 1000 posts by the end of the year.

Let's see how that goes.