On Friendships

I'm one of those girls who generally prefer to have guys as friends. I adore guys. They are easier to get along with, don't have petty hang ups and my guy friends adore me also. What's not to love about that arrangement. All my best friends are females, but those are girls i grew up with. So we know each other too well. I'm naturally a reserved person, and i used to find it really difficult to talk about myself to people. My friends would call me whenever they needed someone to listen and becos i didn't talk much (back then), they loved talking to me. It's really ironic now that my friendship with Cynthia ended becos she felt i had stopped telling her stuff about myself, while she told me everything about her life. I have never in my life being open to anyone as much as i was with her, not even with the girls i call my best friends.

When i first came to America, i was talking to my friend Cynthia but we were not close. Instead, i was close to the guy she introduced me to until he fucked up (to cut a long story short). That's when we started getting closer. We really became tight after my crazy ex almost killed me and she was there for me while i was dealing with that mess. However, throughout the course of that friendship, i completely changed. We would sit on the phone and talk for at least 2hr almost everyday. When u are on the phone yapping away for hours on end, u have to have something to say. That's when i got comfortable talking about myself and my issues with someone else. Whatever i was going through, i would tell her every single detail and vice versa. If i was talking to any guy, i made sure she got to talk to him also. I think it got to the point where our lives were becoming too enmeshed.

After i graduated last year and i started trying to figure out which direction i was going to take with my future, talking on the phone for hours about nothing lost its appeal. Over the years, i had kind of lost my autonomy. The boyfriend i had in Nigeria, told me he liked me because unlike a lot of girls, i thot for myself and i could make my own decisions (with regards relationships) without talking to my friends about it. Now, i had become the type of person who could not do anything without telling someone about it. I know it's good to ask for advice sometimes but not on every little thing. It was almost like i lacked a mind of my own and this is the exact opposite of who i was.

When i was dealing with a guy, it was almost as if me and my friend were dealing with the guy. The day that i knew things were going too far was when something happened btw me and one guy i was talking to and my friend took it upon herself without telling me, to call the guy and cuss him out. I wasn't even that mad at him and her opinion on the issue was completely different from mine. I told her i didn't agree with her assessment of the situation, yet she picked up her phone and called him to cuss him out. I know she had my best interests at heart, but when did i stop being my own person?

I'm really glad that whatever friendship i had with these girls has taken a different turn because i'm in a completely different place in my life and it think it's time for a change. I need to be able to think for myself and not rely on anyone to sanction my actions. I'm ready to go back to being who i was b4 the physical assault i suffered in the hands of my ex-boyfriend. I believe that incident affected my life for the worse in a lot of ways. My whole relationship with him shattered my self-esteem and my self-confidence. I used to be a very self-confident person. I had people telling me from when i was very little how wonderful i was in many ways. I was totally confident in who i was as i person. I didn't have any self-esteem issues until this son-of-a-bitch treated me like trash. He would even go as far as saying beauty is not everything, just because people say u are pretty doesn't mean shit. That phase of my life has passed. It's been over 2 years, i'm thankful i'm alive to talk about it. I'm trying to heal from it. My therapist helped me a lot and i think it's time i take steps to continue to help myself.


Got my rejection letter yesterday from the one Med school i applied to. I knew my MCAT score was too low so i'm really not tripping about that. Just have to figure out what to do until August 2009.

I was going to Blog about the guy that Desperate Lady asked me about, but i'll just cut to the chase and say i'm no longer talking to him. I completely lost interest in the dude. Now that i'm no longer interested he's trying to be nice. That's not my problem anymore.