My thots are no longer conducive to my sanity

I need to stop

Million dollar question of the day. Why do i keep liking someone who i KNOW is bad for me? I wish there was a switch so i could turn it off but there isn't. The other guy who really likes me, i couldn't care less about. Sometimes when he's talking to me, I'll be thinking of the guy who doesn't give a shit about me. Somethings wrong with me cos i should be able to stop while I'm ahead, but i can't.

I'm talking about the guy i was referring to in the previous post. I did stop talking to him completely for a while. He sent me a text asking how i was doing one day and i just totally ignored it and he never called or anything after that so i left it alone. He is the same guy who asked me if i wanted him to be my boyfriend. I guess i should have put that question in context. I was complaining about how he doesn't like to call me or even talk on the phone (he hates talking on the phone, but we don't live in the same state so how in God's name do i talk to him) and he asked me out of the blue the boyfriend question. At that point i took it to mean, are u complaining cos u want me to be ur boyfriend.

Anyway, a week ago for whatever reason, i called him again, and he was complaining that i dumped him. I thot that was funny cos he was the one acting like he couldn't care less about me. Anyway, he has been acting really nice to me. He got a job and he works at night, he would call me right when he wakes up b4 he gets ready for work. I was kinda worried about y he was being nice. Then i sent him a text message on Thursday and i didn't get any reply. I spent the whole weekend being miserable about being ignored. I hate being ignored cos it brings out a lot of my insecurities (worked that out in therapy). Anyway, so i sent a few more texts which were also ignored and called about 4 times in 3 days. No response. Finally when i had said fuck it, someone calls me to let me know that the idiot went to Canada to see his grandma and he has his phone. He was like, i don't want u to think he's been ignoring u cos i saw u've been calling. I was still pissed cos he could have told me b4 he left. Still haven't heard from him. I had no intention of asking the guy who called me any questions cos it was nice enough he called me, i didn't want to put him in the middle of anything. I still think i need to stop talking to this guy and i regret ever calling him again.

Context

These are a couple of old posts from the last blog i deleted. I'm about to talk about this same dude and i wanted to give u guys some background (on my continued stupidity).


HEIFERS (2/25/08)

Chei! I don suffer for boy hand. I can't help but go back to my roots on this one. So this dude that i have been lamenting about has just pulled another stunt that has left me speechless since yesterday. I was shocked, then i cried, now i have gone back to being shocked. I really don't want a boyfriend that bad oh! Chineke God in heaven, i don suffer.

So, me and this dude have not been getting along for a short while becos i called him out on his nonsense behavior towards me. I told him in no uncertain terms what i thot about his actions. Of course, he got really pissed and refused to talk to me. Me being the softy i am, after my anger wore off, i was reduced to practically begging (i might as well have begged) him to talk to me. When he finally agreed to talk to me 2 days later, to cut a long story short, he told me he wasn't obligated to call me. I thot about things, and decided that he was just being nasty to me becos he felt like i wanted to be with him. I now decided to tell him that we should just be friends then there would be no need for nastiness.

So on saturday, i texted him about a job interview he went for and asked him how it went and he said it went well. Then i called him and he told me he would call me back. I went into the school's library after i was done with work and that's when he called back. I didn't want to talk in the library cos since it was a saturday it was really quiet. So i went outside to call him back, as i was about to call him back, less than 2 mins after he called me, he sent me a text telling me he just called me and he was about to take a nap. I called him right back and his attitude when he picked up the phone was like i was disturbing him. So i asked him y he sounded like i was bothering him, and b4 i could say Jack Robinson, this dude said he wasn't going to talk to me anymore and as i said "are u serious?" he hung up on me. I was shocked. Where is the coming from?

I sent him a text message that what he did was one of the most disrespectful things he could ever do, that i felt like he spat in my face. Any he replied saying that if i got his text telling me he was about to take a nap why would i ask him a stupid question like "why do u sound like u don't want to talk to me?" He was like damn, he had been up since 7am. The time was only just 1.30pm in the afternoon. I was just baffled. I don't get him. He really hurt my feelings and i admit he made me feel really bad about myself. I didn't reply his text and that was the last i heard from him.

I'm confused. I don't think i deserve this kind of treatment from him or any guy. I also feel like i'm too old for a guy to be insulting for no reason. Maybe when i was a teenager i could have accepted that kind of treatment. He doesn't do anything for me, so y does he feel it's ok for him to treat me like crap? Is it becos he feels like i'm looking for a boyfriend or i like him? Now i see y my friends keep telling me not to tell a guy when i like them. I don't think he would dare treat me this way if he didn't know that i liked him cos he's not even my boyfriend.

If he was trying to get me not to like him anymore, he has succeeded and he is the last guy i would ever let know i like them that easily. Apparently, they like games. I don't know why i meet all these assholes. First it was the 419 yoruba dude that tried to kill me, then it was the jamaican dude that sucked me dry and left me for his baby mama, then another 419 online dating scam artist, now this idiot who at 32 doesn't even know whether he's coming or going. God will punish all of them for every single tear they have made me cry. Fucking bastards.

SLAP ME SILLY (2/26/08)

I know i said i wasn't going to call this dude anymore and i really wasn't going to call him, but i did. It's almost like i can't help myself. Whenever i'm in this kind of situation, i start to feel really bad and the only quick fix i can think of is to talk to the source of my unhappiness. I've been through this b4, i know it's the absolute worst thing to do, but i do it anyway cos i don't want to keep being miserable.

In this case, it made me even more miserable. So i called him and he initially wants to talk to me like everything is fine, but i bring up the issue of how he talked to me and hung of the phone the last time.

Him: What happened the last time we spoke? (In a confrontational tone)
Me: (I relay the incident back to him from my perspective) I don' see how i asked u a stupid question and why you should have hung up on me
Him: You asked me a stupid question. That was a really stupid question becos if i didn't want to talk to i would have ignored the call. Besides, i was in the middle of taking a nap.
Me: How was i to know u were already sleeping? I called u as soon as i got ur text. So u have no reason to say i asked u a stupid question.
Him: I was already sleeping and yes, u asked me a stupid question.
Me: I would never hang up on u though
Him: And i would never ask u a stupid question. Why are u bringing up the past? That's the problem i have with u, u never let shit go.
Me: You hurt my feelings and you want me to pretend like it never happened. How do i know you are not going to do stuff like that again?
Him: I probably will.
Me: Why are u so mean? Does it make u feel better about urself to be mean to me?
Him: No, but i don't take shit from nobody.
Me: So i was giving you shit.
Him: Yes
Me: I didn't think you would be this way when i first started talking to you
Him: Me either.
Me: Are you being this way because u think i want something from u?
Him: I'm this way regardless, it doesn't matter who it is. So how was ur weekend?
Me: (long pause, while i contemplate the quickest way to kill him).............. It was fine.
Him: It snowed really heavily here on sunday
Me: (No reply)
Him: I'm talking to u now, u not answering. I said it snowed really heavily here.
Me: You are talking about the weather, what do u want me to say to that?
Him: I know u are just bursting with stuff you want to say.
Me: You never used to act this way when i first started talking to you.
Him: You never used to shoot off at the mouth, now u are getting too comfortable.
Me: Maybe YOU are getting too comfortable, not me
Him: This is in the past, why won't u let it go? I'm talking to u nicely right now, i'm not yelling. What do u want me to say?
Me: You could apologise for hanging up on me.
Him: You want me to say i'm sorry, alright i've said it.
Me: I didn't hear u say u were sorry.
Him: I'm sorry, since that's what you want to hear. Me and you are cool, i don't know why u are stressing blah blah blah. Can i get off the phone for a bit, i need to go eat.
Me: are u calling me back?
Him: I might
Me: U might?
Him: Yes, i might.

And he didn't call back. The big question is why do i always do this to myself. What the use of flogging a dead horse. I always, always, always, do this, always. It's like a curse. I can't control myself. I know this guy has nothing to offer me. He is clearly emotionally unavailable. Believe it or not, i don't even want to date him anymore. I don't see anything good coming out of him with regards to me. Why can't i walk away? In this case i tried really hard, then i started feeling really depressed and i figured maybe if i talked to him i would feel better. Even if i didn't feel better at the end, i got a sort of clarity and closure. It's not me, it's him. He's just a jerk and regardless of how nice i am to him, he would never be nice to me. I got the impression that he wants to break my spirit and make me this submissive person, who doesn't talk back. He always complains that i am too feisty and i guess this is the route he has chosen to cure me of my disease of being vocal. I know i'll be doing myself a huge favor if i stop talking to him. So like someone who fell of their diet, i'll forgive myself and start over.


I'M THINKING (2/29/08)


I've made peace with the whole guy situation my own way. I've left it alone and i honestly don't feel the need to want to talk to him anymore. The sad thing is there are other guys who want me right now, but i don't want them. I had to start wondering if i should not just pick one of those guys whom i "think" would treat me nice. However, how i can i have a boyfriend whom i don't find attractive? I don't want a boyfriend just to have a boyfriend, so i'm chilling with the whole relationship thing for a while.

As much as it seems like there's always some guy wrecking havoc in my life, i regularly go long periods without a guy and i'm absolutely fine with it (most of the time). The last time i actually had a "real" relationship was in 2001. From 2001 to 2005, i did not date anyone. I really was more preoccupied with adjusting to this place which i hated when i first got here. Then i met someone in 2005, whom on a very good day i wouldn't have talked to, but i was lonely and felt like if i had a boyfriend it would help me go out more, blah blah blah. The whole shindig lasted for 2-3months and i almost ended up relocating to heaven or hell. I hesistate to call it a relationship cos while i thot he was my boyfriend (cos that's what he made me believe), he had a lot of girls on the side. I don't even think i was the main girl, but i'll never know. Dude even slept with my "friend".

Since then, i've met people but we never get to the relationship level. Now that i think about it, none of these people were worth anything. None of them had a college degree or well paying job or nothing like that. I had one that i had to help him pay his child's day care fees thrice, and i would buy him breakfast and dinner and still pick him up or drop him off at work cos he couldn't afford to fix his car. The only reason i can think of that made me so stupid is cos i didn't want to be by myself cos it gets depressing after a while.

However, i think i've being going about it the wrong way. I don't have a concrete idea of what i want in a guy, therefore i pick the wrong guys or rather any guy that i find attractive (or one time barely manageable). This dude i've being lamenting overthe last month is 32yrs and is just now starting to look for a job. When i first him he told me he used to sell cars, alright.... so why did he stop? He couldn't give me a reasonable answer. He basically didn't work the whole of last yr. When i asked him how he survived, he told me his family had money. He was even asking me if he should buy a hummer, and i was like what do u need that for? He gave me the impression that he wasn't hurting for money. 419 anybody???.............. He did go to college, but i don't think he's ever had a regular job. He did admit to having dabbled in 419 but stopped after his friend got caught.

Anyway, come to find out that he's really very broke and according to him he doesn't know how he got broke (it's called living extravagantly without having any money coming in), now he's frantically looking for a job and taking out his frustration on pple who have nothing to do with his situation. The point is, this dude has nothing to offer me really. I usually don't care about a guy's financial status, cos i figure if he's nice to me i can take care of myself anyway. But when he starts being mean for no reason, then i have to seriously question why i'm messing with that kind of person.

I think it's time for me to start doing things a different way. I need to come up with a list of at least 5 qualities/attributes/things a guy has to have before i mess with him. I think if i stick to that list it would save me a lot of heartache.
Number 1...... No meaness allowed. At the first sign of nastiness, i pack my bags and run.
2: Dude has to have a decent job and be a responsible member of society. If u look like, smell like, talk like 419, or NFA (no future ambition) i'm bailing.

I'll think of numbers 3-5 later. I'm open to suggestions.

Ciao

I don't look like a Sucker...

Ok, moving on from the "boy" lamentation. I'm bored with all that right now. It's almost like it's a switch that switches itself on and off. So, i graduated in Dec and i had no plans of looking for another job until after the MCAT. Besides, they wanted me to stay on and eventually become the research tech at my lab. So i was cool with that. Our present research tech leaves to go to Med school in July. He's making $3 more than i do right now, plus he gets benefits and all that good stuff. So, even if i don't get to go to med school this year, i have been consoling myself that i will at least be making more money.

Only for this pple to call me 2 weeks ago and tell me that the lab is running out of money faster than they thot and that they don't want to hire a research tech. They will only increase my pay by $1, without benefits and i will remain on the temp. employee/hourly pay but here's the kicker............I will be doing the job of the research tech. My brain did not process that information while i was being told. I was like ok, fine, whatever y'all decide is cool with me. Only for me to get home and my sluggish brain decides to kick into action. WTF?!!! Are these pple kidding me. They don see mugu abi?

I'm vexing seriously right now, so i've decided to get off my butt and go see if i can get another job. Just talked to an employment agency this morning and i set up a meeting for Friday. I've decided to talk to the research scientist at my job to see if i can get more than a dollar pay raise cos i really like working there, if not....... i'm checking out. I might luck out and get something that pays great. I don't know. I wish i had gotten admitted into med school this yr, i wouldn't have to be stressing about getting a job. And God punish all those pple for not valuing a Bachelors in Psychology. Hmmm................ Deep breath. Apparently, a Bio or Chem degree is worth more than a Psychology degree if you want to work in a lab. It's craziness i tell ya!

I'm about to take my ass and go find a job in a mental institution, if i don't end up there myself. Anyway, it's 10.38am i'm at home instead of being at work cos i've lost all motivation to be there (until i get my bills, i'm sure that would motivate me). Don't worry, i won't be fired (yet). I'm hourly and nobody gave me a schedule so i can show up whenever i damn well pls.

GOD Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?????????!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm beginning to agree with pple who think that God is a woman cos this shit is no longer funny. I just met my JSS 1 dorm prefect's brother and this dude is all over me like white on rice. He wants to be in a "serious" relationship with me and not only that he even asked me if i would be willing to get married middle of next yr, to which i promptly replied NO! So what the problem? He's not cute, and he's bald. Why couldn't it have been my cute crush being all over me. This is so not fair.

Yes, i'm very superficial when it comes to looks. I tried to listen to my friends and sister when i dated that ugly fool who ended up almost killing me. So since then, i have said never again. I would follow my eyes (and my heart). I haven't completely Xed this guy out though, but i'm pissed all the same. I understand there's more to a person than looks (and he's not ugly) and all those good stuff pple say, but i can't help that i'm primarily attracted to the cute, pretty boy types. I'll get over it, but i'm so freaking PISSED right now. SHE is messing with me seriously. I don't know why she can't send cute UNATTACHED dudes my way.

Maybe i'm really too picky as i have been accused of by numerous pple. I'll go think about that for a sec. BTW, this dude has the same name, age, and was born in the same month as the guy who asked me if i wanted him to be my boyfriend. Weird!

Confession time

I'm sick! I've been spewing germs all over the place in the guise of coughing or as my brother would say, i've been germinating the place. Anyway, i am crushed and heartbroken. First of all, let me revise my opinion, 34 is not too old for me (I'm going to have to pick an age limit cos someone asked me yesterday). I found out my crush has a girlfriend (i literally felt like i had been doused with cold water when i heard. I had to pull myself together and pretend to be fine). Ironically, he insisted that i needed a boyfriend and offered to find me one (Chineke). Tell me something i don't know. I was disappointed though, but in a way i think i'll enjoy being his friend better than I would have enjoyed being his girlfriend (Yes, i'm just consoling myself. What am i supposed to do, snatch someone else's man? That's bad karma) I like him a lot though, he's a really cool dude.

I have a question for ya. What is the difference btw "would u like to be my girlfriend?" and "Do u want me to be ur boyfriend?"

The last guy i was talking to earlier this yr that had started to make me miserable asked me towards the end of our friendship if i wanted him to be my boyfriend. I told him no. Firstly cos i didn't want him to anymore at that point and secondly because i think there's a difference btw those 2 questions. He didn't ask me if i wanted to be his girlfriend, he asked me if i wanted him to be my boyfriend. What kind of bullshit is that? It was like i was the one pursuing him. When i decided to stop talking to him (in my mind), he sent me a text asking me how i was, and i never replied and i haven't heard from him since then. He never ever once tried to reach me since then. Meanwhile, prior to that when i would call and text him and would get no reply, i would call him AGAIN the next day to make sure he wasn't dead in a ditch somewhere. I guess my decision not to reply his text was the right one cos it proved to me that he was a royal asshole as i was beginning to suspect.

OMG....guys, how u do guys do it? How do u walk up to a girl u don't know and start chatting her up. I saw the most put together, preppy, clean cut, baby faced, pink shirt wearing, shiny shoes, cute ass guy on the train two days ago and i couldn't take my eyes off him. He caught me staring TWICE. I was sorely tempted, but i had no idea how to do it. It must be these raging hormones or something becos i don't know what is coming over me. The guy even got off at the same stop as me. I don't know how guys do it, and i don't envy them but i bet it takes a lot of guts to walk up to a good looking chic and talk to her.

Envy doesn't live here

I read something today that made me remember my favorite poem. I hate poems by the way, but i discovered my love for this poem b4 i discovered my hatred for poems (long story). This poem serves as a reminder that "all that glitters is not gold". A cliche, i know but it's true. It's so easy to look at something or someone from the outside and envy it or them, but u can never know what the true story is. As one of my crazy friends used to say"na only the rat wey dey inside house, know whether food dey the house". He said it in reference to pple who live in mansions. I try not to envy anyone, or be jealous of any good thing that happens to someone else. You'll never hear me say, i wish i were her because if i envy the good things that happen to someone would i still envy them when bad things happen to them. Here's the story that good me thinking, and here's my favorite poem. Read it pple, it's good!

RICHARD CORY

Whenever Richard Cory went down town,
We people on the pavement looked at him:
He was a gentleman from sole to crown,
Clean favored, and imperially slim.

And he was always quietly arrayed,
And he was always human when he talked;
But still he fluttered pulses when he said,
"Good-morning," and he glittered when he walked.

And he was rich—yes, richer than a king—
And admirably schooled in every grace:
In fine, we thought that he was everything
To make us wish that we were in his place.

So on we worked, and waited for the light,
And went without the meat, and cursed the bread;
And Richard Cory, one calm summer night,
Went home and put a bullet through his head.

By Edwin Arlington Robinson

Is everyone going crazy or what?

Is the whole world going crazy or is it just me? For some reason i find that whenever i see someone acting weird i ALWAYS think they are mentally ill, at least that's my initial thot. I guess it's cos i can't understand why a sane person would act that way. But then again i understand that what's normal to me might be abnormal to someone else so it's all good.

Anyway, so i was sitting in the library yesterday trying to study but thinking of how hungry i was. It was already past 9pm and the library closes at 10pm, so at that point i was debating whether to call it quits or struggle with the beast of hungry until 10. Now, where i was in the library was the secluded corner at the far end of the fourth floor, i was already getting scared cos i'm ever conscious that there are bad people out there. When this one dude appeared around 8ish, i grabbed my sharp pencil and held it in a way that i could easily stab him if he tried any nonsense. But the dude just went and sat down and started to study. Don't mind me, i'm paranoid, you would be too if u were me. So i kinda relaxed after that cos at least there was someone else around studying.

So right when i was debating whether to go home, another dude appears as if from nowhere. The way the books are arranged prevented me from seeing when people are approaching. So he comes up to me, and says something to me. I didn't hear him at first cos i got my ipod on. Then i take it out, and he says "Do u mind if i seat here?" He wanted to seat across the (small) table from me. First of all, there were at least 10 other EMPTY chairs with tables lined along the windows. So i look at him, wondering if he was crazy (literally), and then i looked at the empty chairs. I swear to God, i really wanted to ask him "why", but no be my papa get library. So i was like "I guess". Then i took my ipod off the table in case that's what he wanted cos i no fit pursue person, if he decides to grab it and run. His actions just didn't make sense at first. Then he starts asking me what i'm studying blah blah.... That's when it dawned on me that dude wasn't crazy. He just wanted to talk to me. When i told him i was studying for the MCAT and what it was, he was like alright, i don't want to disturb you, i'll let you study (For mind i say, u be no see say i dey read b4, thanks for the belated consideration). Then he wished me luck and walked away. Honestly, i was scared cos i initially thot he was crazy. That's when i decided i had scared myself enough for the day and i went home to feed the beast.

Then this morning, i was running late. My friend calls me, she never calls me in the mornings, so i pick up the phone wondering what was up. I normally wouldn't have taken that call cos i was late for work already. She went off on me about how i haven't been returning her calls, that did i not see her missed calls. I was like, u didn't call me cos i don't have any missed calls from u. Then she was like, so if u don't hear from me, u can't call me? I spoke to this chic 2 days ago, and when i called her she said she would call me back, and i never heard from her until this morning. So i told her that i was waiting to for her to call me back like she said, and besides i've been busy. I have a lot of things to do and all that jazz. I said it in an angry tone cos i felt attacked. In my head i'm thinking "did i sign any contract to be calling this girl everyday?" We don't even have that kind of friendship.

Then she got pissed and said she was just joking (she wasn't, at least it didn't come across that way.) and why should i be taking it serious like we were quarreling. B4 i could say Jack Robinson she had hung up the phone on me. I was shocked. Na she call me attack me, now she is mad that i responded to the attack? Now tell me everyone is not going crazy.

On a mushy mushy note. I met the cutest guy, Goddddddd!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Unfortunately he is too old (34), but he is Cuttttttttteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!! Besides, i don't want any man wahala right now. I need to focus, but the dude is foineeeeeeee. I'm drooling just thinking about him. I wish i could put his picture up so u guys can see.

Weird day

I'm having a very weird day today. I'm stressing about things i should stress about and things i shouldn't stress about. I have an irritation in my stomach that gives me ulcer symptoms (technically, my stomach lining is inflamed ). I took Nexium for about 6 months and i finally was able to stop taking it in Janaury, but since i started stressing yesterday i've been having terrible pains. I'm trying to relax but i'm all strung up and just can't seem to relax.

I'm very happy with myself that i haven't fallen into the throes of depression lately. I'm pretty impressed with some of the coping skills i developed. Who says therapy doesn't work, hasn't met my therapist. Anyway, my mood has been funky lately, so for some reason i carried around the rock my therapist gave me today. I can't even remember exactly what she said the rock represented, but it was really calming and it helped me get through today without falling apart.

To make matters worse, my father told me i was gaining weight which translated to mean i was fat (in my head). He was like, what's going on? Look at ur face, u are gaining weight and i was like is it becos of the cookies i took ( i have "stolen" 3 packs of grandma's chocolate chip cookies he had)? My father had not even noticed i took the cookies, so i essentially reported myself. He was like "No, look at ur face". Apparently, i'm one of those people who gain weight on their faces. My heart just sank cos for my father to say something about my weight, then i think it's bad. I have been in denial. A month ago when i got on the scale and it read 150lbs, i almost had a heartache and i have refused to weigh myself ever since. I almost have an anxiety attack just looking at a scale. I don't want to get on the weight loss bandwagon, but maybe when people start asking if it's a boy or a girl it would sink in.

I read the most disgusting story today. A woman who had a baby with her father. He left when she was one, and she didn't see him again for 30 years. When they reunited, they started a sexual relationship. I usually don't judge people, but i think this is the most perverted story i've ever read. You can read it here.

Did u find it?

I think it's really funny how u don't give a shit about me, yet u can't stop coming to read my blog. I hope u find what u are looking for, but if u don't, oh well! At this point i'm glad things worked out the way they did cos it showed u for what u really are. I guess friendship means different things to each of us. You obviously know on which side ur bread is buttered, so keep it moving. I just hope u don't learn ur lesson the hard way cos all that glitters is not gold. You should know that by now, but wait..... I forgot, you don't learn from other people's mistakes.

Just wanted to make sure u know that i know every single time u come on here. Don't think u can sneak in and sneak out. Sorry!

Wetin now?

I dey vex seriously. What's up with all u bloggers out there that have word verification on ur comment section? Na punishment? I just want to write a comment and click send without having to strain my eyes to decipher nonsense letters. I think all u bloggers who have word verification should be seriously fined and all the money should go to me to compensate for my pain and suffering. Initially, it wasn't a lot of people that had it, now it's like an epidemic that has overtaken blogsville. I know they say it reduces spam comments, but make una talk true, how many of una don get spam comment b4? Abeg, i think this punishment needs to end soon.

And while we are on the subject of things that are vexing me on blogsville, come!, what's with the music on everyone's blog? First of all, person no fit sneak read blog for work without drawing attention to myself. As soon as page load, music go just dey blast for person ear. Secondly, i'm one of those people that cannot read and listen to music at the same time. Trust me. Listening to the music always wins over reading. My brain cannot handle those two tasks efficiently cos i enjoy both, and i need to give each undivided attention. Na blog i come read, no be music i come listen to abeg.

Lastly, what's with the pop up windows for comments? I am an amebo, and i want to click on the link of people who left interesting comments on other people's blogs so i can read their blogs. No oh! Those stupid pop up windows won't let u do that in peace. Instead it would open another tab in the already small pop up window. I don't know if it's cos i use firefox, but still, e dey vex me.

Alright, i feel so much better. No offense to anyone who is GUILTY of the above crimes. You all just need to contact me with regards to where to send ur fines to. I haven't set an amount yet, but i accept cash and kind. I am an equal opportunity collector. Nothing is too much!

You are dead to me!!!!!

I've got so many thing i want to talk about. To say I'm overwhelmed would be a serious understatement. Let me start with the positive. It's spring time again and I'm loving it. Oh lord, the colors; from pink, purple, different shades of green, yellow, to white (yes, i saw a white tree in full bloom). It's like a visual orgasm. I just love to go out these days just to feast my eyes on all the prettiness that's around me. That's about the only pleasure I'm getting out of life these days. I'm not depressed or anything like that but.....

How do you say "You are dead to me" and mean it? There are a couple of people that need to be dead to me right now, and i can't seem to do it. No, none of these people are ex-boyfriends. I'm not tripping over those anymore. They are dead to me (Ha ha!). Anyway, when it comes to stuff like that, I'm one of those people who are all talk and no action. Anyone who really knows me knows that my bark is much much worse than my bite and trust me when i say the bark is loud. If u don't know me you will be shaking in ur boots when i'm done talking. When I'm really mad at someone I'll always say they don't exist in my world anymore. Yeah right! Two days later, my anger is long forgotten and all that talk was for nothing. Two days is even too long. I remember when i was in SS2, one of my family friends came to fight me cos we had been quarreling (through our friends, the back and forth he said, she said stuff). So i was walking back home from when i saw a friend off, and he was behind me calling my name and i ignored him. I had actually taken a different route back home cos i saw him earlier when i just started seeing my friend off, not knowing he was going to follow me. Anyway, he kept on calling me, and the next thing i knew this guy don dash me back hand slap from behind. I saw my grandmother in heaven. Jesus! My eyes were instantly red. Adrenaline took over, sharp, sharp!

We started fighting on the street like a couple of hooligans. I don't know who was winning but he wasn't beating me that easily, finally i got a strong hold of him in his back with my teeth. I bit the hell out of this boy. I clamped my teeth on this boy's back eh and held on for dear life b4 people came and separated us. I was 2 mins from home, and as soon as i got home it started raining. After crying and cooling off, i saw the dude taking cover from the rain in someones veranda and i sent someone to give him an umbrella cos i felt sorry for him. That's how fast my anger dies down. I have issues don't i?

Back to the people who need to be dead to me. I really need to know how to cut people from my life without looking back. I've been trying to fix my friendship with Cynthia cos i felt the friendship was worth saving, but she has basically been blowing me off. I sent her a message today telling her my mind and she laughed. Yes, i got a text saying LOL........ So now I'm a joke? Why am i the one who's trying to fix the friendship when i didn't do anything? The only new information i got out of her was that my pattern of communication changed? I don't even know what she means by that. I asked her that question since last week Friday, and she hasn't bothered to reply. As much as it hurts me, i think i need to let this friendship go. I'm such a softie and i care about pple too much. It's not working for me anymore. I don't like anyone trying to make me feel foolish. What kind of friend does that. After everything that happened, i swallowed my pride and called her and left her a message to call me so we can talk. I got a text message almost 24hrs later barely addressing what i said. Finally, the next day i got another text that she was busy. She can't even give our friendship the courtesy of a call? I called her over a week ago and she still hasn't bothered to call me back. I expected much more. Them no use the friendship swear for me, i don leave am. But i want to be able to leave it once and for all without looking back. How in God's name do i do that?

I remember when i was talking to one dude who was being mean to me, one of my friends was like just stop talking to him. How hard can it be? She said if it were her, she would delete his number blah blah blah and all that good stuff. When the same thing happened to her, she first formed deleting his number. Within a week, she called me asking if i still had a text she had forwarded to me from him cos she wanted his number to call him. I didn't cos i had deleted the text. She got his number back somehow and called him. She even made me call him cos he wasn't taking her calls. Even after he called me back which confirmed he was ignoring her, she still called him again. This was after all the mouth she had made about how it was so easy for her to let go of guys from her life. That was just hypocrisy in action. I didn't rub it in her face though, but i talk am for my mind.

Besides that i feel like I'm caught in a cross fire. I've got a ton of family related issues that is like a festering boil about to burst. It's almost like in order to be on my mom's side, i have to hate my dad. I wonder how many kids out there are forced to chose sides btw their parents. I bet there are a lot. Anyway, that's a separate blog on its own. I'm stressed right now. I need to go clear my head.