Love

.................mschew!

Serenity

• My niece, the Iz turned ONE today...... I love her so much. Happy birthday, daughter from another mother. 
• I've been drinking a lot of milk lately. My day starts with milk and zantac (an antacid) and ends with milk and zantac.... with a couple cups of milk in between. Milk of choice: Very vanilla Soy milk. I'm lactose intolerant and the last time i drank regular milk was 2004. Anyway, as i went to pour a cup of milk yesterday evening since i had no appetite, i have the weirdest thought " How many cups of milk am i going to drink before i turn into a cow". This thought came from nowhere, I swear! I just burst out laughing, like who seriously thinks stuff like that. 
• Surprise, surprise.....the thing i dreaded most about re-starting med school over was anatomy lab. I hated anatomy lab with a PASSION. Well, this year they said it was mandatory. I think that's just to deter people from skipping, cos a lot of people (me) skipped last year and the bodies were not dissected out for exams and the profs had to do it. I don't think they like that very much :D  So i've been going like a good girl. I'm the only female in a group of 5, the rest are white boys. I love them. They are so different from my group members of last year. No one is doing any kind of oversabi. I dug in today and dissected out the brachial plexus. I got a lot of compliments on that too. This one dude was like, i feel like u have done this before. Hmm.....funny enough i never dissected last year. Maybe once when i took off skin on the chest but that was it. I'm loving it this time, i don't even remember it's a dead body although my hand still stinks of formaldehyde and gunk.
• I've been reading all ur encouraging comments from previous posts. A couple have made me cry (in a good way). Wow, u guys are awesome human beings. I got a phone call today or voicemail with a lovely bible verse from a blogger. I was beyond touched. All i can say is wow! God bless everyone who has cared enough to leave a comment because it means way more than you guys can ever imagine. I'm so glad to be part of this blogging community and i know that i am blessed because it's all love. I never get any negative comments or anything like that. You guys are simple awesome.
• Wait o! Am i weird that i have never once thought that i had haters? All those times that people were abusing and misusing the word up and down, i still didn't think i had haters. I mean, what is there to hate on or why would i be thinking people are hating on me. Maybe i'm just oblivious, but i like it like that.
• Na God get power. Thank you guys for everything. 
• Off to study. 
• XOXO

Pringles, gummies and a healthy side of medical genetics.

Motivation

Someone, pls say something to motivate me. I feel too dumb for this med school thing. I've been trying to psych myself up since after the test. I didn't honor or high pass the test like i wanted, i just passed it. I'm not too happy, but at the same time i am happy i at least passed(my standards have been completely lowered since last year. smh), considering how i was this past weekend, i just couldn't concentrate on studying. I very unhappy that i let other issues interfere with school this early. I've been thinking a lot of stuff, doubting and questioning my intelligence. This whole med school saga has really eaten away at my self-confidence and i'm starting to doubt myself again. I'm trying to focus on how well i did at the end of the semester last yr to let myself know that i am capable of doing this.

I need motivational quotes....the only thing i have been able to come up with on my own is that med school is not for smart people but for hardworking people, and i know i'm hardworking, so i can do this. (Well, it is for smart people, but i think being hardworking carries more weight sha). I'm about to hit google for some more. I need to do much better next week if for nothing else, just to prove to myself that i can.

On my way home from school, i drove past this house with a nice front yard where a chic was sitting outside reading a novel. I was green with envy!!!! I want her life. OMG! I so want her life.

I think i have a crush on the orthopedic surgery resident who helps out in the anatomy lab. Still trying to figure out if he is white-white or latina or something. He's kind of dark and cute. It's not a full blown crush, so i think i will reel in it. I just think he's cute that's all.

On that note, i bid you good night while i spend all night studying.

Koko

I wasted today feeling like crap.....barely studied or rather studied with little focus or concentration. Now it's 11pm and I'm tired. The good thing is i had studied really hard during the week before things got bad so i am fairly confident i will do well. I wouldn't have spent most of the day moping if i didn't feel i had a good grasp of the material. The difference between my preparedness last year and this year is enormous. I remember freaking out about having to study 178 pages in a week and barely getting through it twice. This year i have gone over it 3 times in all chapters and 4 times in the ones that were meaty and i mean gone over it with a fine tooth comb and memorizing stuff. Last year, i was reading like i was reading a novel...... I sorry for myself.

Question to self: Why am i blogging right now?

I guess i feel the need to talk to someone or release some tension. Been mighty sad. Dug up the mental health pamphlet from my school and was thinking of going back to therapy. I get 8 free sessions b4 i have to start paying or rather before my insurance has to get involved. I thought i had decided on it, but i might hold off on it and see how i feel. I've got issues mehn! We all do, but i'm ready to deal with mine.

Looking forward to going home next month. Have some stuff to do in Atlanta. I get to see my niece, the Iz! stock up on plantain chips and turkey neck. Seriously, turkey necks are the best snack ever. I just discovered that when i went home after i left Florida. I went to the farmer's market with my sister and in addition to the other meat she got, she got turkey necks and ribs. I was like, what are u planning to do with that?(not in a nice way) She told me to wait and see......after my mom had seasoned and baked it, i willingly went over to the dark side. In fact, i don't even want to eat the regular parts of turkey now, i just want the neck.

By the way, my one and only blogger --> Skype---> friend-friend, i think u r awesome. You really are. Thank you.

I shall be back with good news tomorrow. Wish me luck.

Today

THE END.

I want to take little parts of myself that i am dissatisfied with and work on them. Let's start with the cussing. I remember a time when not a single swear word was part of my vocabulary, neither spoken nor thoughts. Now, i'm the queen of cussing. Some things don't even sound right to me if they don't have a swear word attached to them. I remember when i first got here (america) and my older sister would cuss and say "that shit blah blah blah" it sounded so cool..... i wanted to be able to talk like that.

Then came the Jamaican dude i dated for 6 months. Jamaican in origin, African American in orientation, this dude could not have a normal everyday conversation without cussing. "Shit" and " Fucking" were like "a" and "the". That's how slowly but surely, he rubbed off on me and i became this person who can't go a day without cussing. I no longer think it's cool or cute, worst of all, i have noticed that it fuels my anger. Sometimes, cussing can be like a stress reliever, like when u stub ur toe or something and u let out an expletive, it can help you calm down. Research has been done on it (i can't remember where i read it anymore). I just don't think it's lady like at this point in my life. I really want to ditch the habit.

After the events of the last couple of weeks and the aftermath, i think i seriously need to check myself before i wreck myself. Seriously. On the anger front, i have decided that since i don't know how to deal with anger, i am quitting it cold turkey. Much, much easier said than done, but whenever i get angry, i have decided to just not deal with the emotion at least not at that time. I will just walk away from it and come back much later when i would surely have calmed down.

Ms. Nitty Gritty was right about Nigerian movies being a great tool for dealing with anger. I laughed for the first time in a week yesterday when i was watching one. It was just so stupid, i had to laugh.

I'm taking deep breaths.
One day at a time
One day at a time.

P.S. Life doesn't always give second chances, so let's try to do it right the first time ....Sting
P.P.S Why do i always have to learn the hard way?
P.P.P.S. I am such a stubborn goat. Urgh!

Forgive me

I am going to be using this space as facebook/twitter since i am not a member of those at the moment. Well, i'm still on twitter, but i never took to it. Writing here helps me feel less crazy and isolated, even though i really am both of those things.

Study update: All 10 chapters read at least once, the earlier chapters at least twice. Now for the fine tooth comb approach which simply means memorizing every little freaking detail. Come to find out some of the questions are VERY detail orientated.....who would have thunk it?!! In med school.....NO!!!

I need to see a Doctor sharpish. This stupid gastritis is acting up badly and Zantac is not working anymore. Worst of all, i can't drink anything with caffeine, which is as good as death by hanging in med school.

Oh, because i need someone to forgive me, i decided to forgive someone in return. Remember that dude who left that nasty voicemail for me and wouldn't stop calling? (It's okay if you don't remember, i'll link it eventually) He did eventually stop calling, but not really cos he called once in June, then called again last week. I figured since it was still on his mind up until now to ask me for forgiveness, then i should go ahead and tell him i have forgiven him. So i did that this evening and i told him i hope i did not make a mistake.

I want to take a nap, but it always turns into full blown sleep esp since i don't have the help of caffeine. I think i'll suck it up and stay awake.

What do u guys think of the name Sunny (instead of Sting).....i think it's a beautiful name for a girl, and if i have a daughter i'll probably name her that.

That's all folks.

Today

My last post was my 100th post for the year. Considering my total posts last year was 123, i wonder what i have been yapping about this year.

Been studying since i woke up. I set one alarm for 5a and another one for 5.30a, both came and went and i refused to wake up. Finally got up at 6a, class was at 8.30a, i was supposed to skim read 3 chapters before going to class. Somehow, somehow, i talked myself back into bed and decided to skip class today. Woke up and started studying at 8.30a. It took me 7 freaking hours (with a couple of breaks in between to finish one chapter. I have 2 more to go. That's just to catch up with the lectures of today. If na before, i for don finish tay tay, but i am memorizing as i go along, no time to waste.

I have 7 more chapters to go over this night then add the 3 lectures of today, that makes 10 chapters and 178 pages for this week just in Genetics o. I made the mistake of glossing over the notes last year and not memorizing everything. Of course, i failed the test. I don sleep my last sleep until Monday night. I must honor this test.

Medical school..... Is it too early to start complaining (again)?

More Stuff

I'm still a Nigerian Scorpio but i no longer want to identify as "Sting". Never really liked the name anyway. I picked it cos i'm a scorpio and scorpions sting...i wasn't trying to use too much brain power.

I don't want to FIGHT anymore, so i can no longer call myself Sting. All the harshness it connotes, i don't want to be a part of. The incidents of the last two weeks have left me deflated. I can't continue the way i was headed. Too much anger, too much fights, too much aggressiveness. I have decided to massively chill out. Major personality overhaul. I will definitely be looking into going back to therapy because i realize that i need professional help. This is beyond bad. I can't even forgive myself or justify my actions. I went too far. It's hard to deal with because i more than care about this person that i have managed to utterly hurt. I highly doubt that the situation is reparable, but i can at least work on myself.

So while i'm at it (if i don't kill the dog with the fucking annoying half-hungry/half dead bark first), i'm ditching "sting" and i am changing the byline of my blog title. You don't need to watch your fingers anymore, i don't want to bite anyone.

I have no idea what name i am switching to. It might be a while before the switch happens, but it is going to happen. I have pretty much gone into hiding at the moment, deactivated my facebook account, no automatic signing in to skype, if i sign in at all, my phone is turned off. I am withdrawing myself from the world so people don't have to deal with the mess that is me. So here i am, isolating myself yet i can't stand myself at the moment. Recipe for disaster.

By the way, i officially hate school. Boring as hell. I can't believe i have to do this shit over.

Maybe i should add stop swearing on my list......it might help reduce the anger.

Can anyone tell i'm having a bad day? Maybe i'm just having a bad life! Sick of it!!!!

Stuff

My mom always used to say my anger would put me in trouble. It finally has.....in a way that means something to me. Because of my inability to control myself when i am anger i have destroyed something that was meant to be a blessing. Sometimes saying "I'm sorry" is not good enough. It doesn't fix everything. I can't even forgive myself. The cognitive dissonance is killing me. I am sad.

I have to separate what is going on from my school work cos that's what's important in the grand scheme of things. I have another chance to do this right and i'm not going to mess it up. I have a test on Monday, need to hit the books.

On Friendships............

I really need to wash my hair but i'm lazy. I'm going to put it off just a little while longer by putting up a blog post. So howdy, pple? Hope u guys missed me (a little at least). I have settled in nicely at my new apartment. Trying to make the place as homey as possible. Without pple, it's not even close but i think i did a decent job with it. Hate living alone but absolutely don't want roommates.

My mini-vacation ended yesterday...sobs. So it's back to reality for me. I'm about to dive into the abyss of craziness, but this time i will remain calm and in control of the situation. Na God get power, so with God by my side, i have no worries.

Let's move to the issue of friendships. In a way, i have given up on it. I have been disappointed by my friends in the last couple of years, i just don't want to make the effort to make friends anymore. I didn't even make the slightest effort to meet anyone during orientation.....really couldn't care less. From last year's experience, 90% of the pple you meet during orientation will act like they never met you once classes start. I believe i will get friendly with the people i'm going to be friends with when classes actually start. I'm not interested in all the paparazzi that goes on when school first starts.

Besides that, the two people who i would have called my friends in America have really turned me off making friends. I personally think friends are bound to fight or have disagreements, and a true friend, someone who thinks u r important in their life would not just walk away from you without trying to resolve the issue, especially if it wasn't a major fight. In my case, I didn't even fight with these two ladies. The first one, i will not speak on because we have talked since then, but unfortunately even if we still have a good rapport, a lot of water has gone under that bridge and things will never be the same between us.

With the most recent one, i am not too surprised because the friendship was becoming all about her at the end. I still can't believe she got mad at me last year for not picking up her call even after i told her it was exam week and she knew i was having issues in school. The day i heard i wasn't going to go to school last semester, she called me. I picked up the phone in the midst of my tears. She asked me if i was okay and i said i wasn't but did not feel like talking about it at the moment. She hung up and didn't call me until 2 weeks later. By this time i'm already upset with her so i don't pick up, then she texts me a week later and said she had called me the week before to tell me she got her green card. So she wasn't even calling me to see how i was doing, given the fact that i told her i wasn't okay the last time we spoke. If she didn't get her green card, she probably wouldn't have called. I texted her back telling her congrats. When i got to Florida in feb, i sent her a message on Facebook, telling her i was upset with her and that she hadn't been a good friend to me and i thought she was selfish.

I have known this chic since 1993. We went to two different JSS and SSS together. She came here in 2001 and i came in 2002. We were good friends before we left Nigeria and have been closer since I got here. I would have thought she would have at least called me, but it was like i was talking to a brick wall. I was even more upset because she always expects me to be there for her when she needs me, but it's like she can't even give shit about me. Long story short, i don't hear from the chic again. In June she enters my mind and i called her twice. Left her a VM one time, and the other time her BIL picks and says she was in Nigeria. When she finally got back, she texted me to call her. In my mind, i'm thinking why can't u call me back, so i didn't call cos the way she was acting was obvious that she really couldn't careless about the friendship.

Right before i left Atlanta, i texted her again and instead of her to try to talk to me about stuff, she starts wishing me the best. I got upset and called her and told her we need to talk, she said she'll call me after work, then doesn't call until 11pm. I didn't pick the call cos before then i had called her again. It was so obvious that i was the only one who cared that we were not friends or at least cared enough to do something about it. We sha made plans to talk and this was supposed to happen last week monday, but she didn't call me and i decided to leave the whole thing alone.

The main reason i'm even talking about this is cos the day i got here, the manager was not available to give me my keys to my apartment. So after driving 13hrs to get there, I was kinda stranded with my dad. Luckily, i had a couple of friends from school who live in the same apartment complex. I booked my dad a hotel thru hotwire and it turned out to be the hilton. Since my friend was going out to a bbq, i decided to go get food and take my dad to his hotel room. Hang out with him there until she gets back. When we got to the hotel, it was downtown and there was no safe place to park my car cos i had all this stuff in it. So we decide that i would drop him off and go back to the apartment complex. I wasn't too worried that my friend wasn't home cos there was another one i could chill with until she got back. Before i left my dad, i had called the other chic to ask for the apartment complex's corporate office number. Then as i was leaving my dad, i called her again, this time she didn't pick up.

No problem, i drove to the apartment complex and figured i'll just wait outside until the other one gets back. Mind you, this was like almost 10.30pm. I'm sitting out there hungry and needing to pee. The food i bought i couldn't eat cos d crazy pple did not put a fork in the bag. So i decided to call the other chic again, thinking i can at least pee and get a fork, i was reluctant to call cos i kind of felt like she didn't want to be bothered, but just to prevent her or anyone saying why did i sit out there like a homeless person instead of calling her, i called her again, and she didn't pick. Now i know she wasn't sleeping because the time between when she first picked and my 2 calls she didn't answer was about 30minutes all together and she had said she wanted to study cos she's doing her rotation right now. I can totally understand her wanting to study but she knew i was stranded, knew the other chic went to a party cos we were all together trying to get a hotel room for my dad. If we knew that manager wasn't going to show up that day at all, I'm sure my dad would have insisted i get a room, but the plan was for him to go rest while i wait for the manager.

Come to find out later from my other friend that when they (another Nigerian classmate was there too) were about to go to the party, she asks them, so is she now supposed to offer me a place to stay? That her apartment is dirty o, and she would have to clean up. Long short, i was finally able to reach my other friend (she left her phone in the car) who left the party and came to let me in. The next day, the one who ignored my calls, called me right after i dropped off my dad at the airport and asked me to come hang out with her. I just moved into my apartment, u don't think i would want to set up and unpack my stuff?  She never mentioned the calls to even make an excuse as to why she didn't pick up or even acknowledge that she saw the missed calls. I won't lie, i was upset with her cos i knew she had ignored me on purpose. Since then she has been super friendly, trying to hang out and do stuff and i haven't obliged her. With the way i was initially ignoring her and she kept on, it was evident there was some guilty conscience at play there. This morning she wanted us to go to church together. Yes, she is a nice person. Most people have the ability to be nice when they want to.... but it seems to me that she wants the friendship only when it is convenient for her.

I'm no longer pissed her at but i don't know exactly how to deal with her cos i don't trust her (trust her in the sense that she has my back) and if i don't trust someone i can't hang around them. I still haven't learned the American way of smiling in ur face and stabbing you in the back.

My people

I still dey o! Just trying to settle into my new apartment. Made the 13hr drive. Long story. Gist to come.