Thick Skin

I'm having a not so great day. I just feel all kinds of off and i'm not even sure how to fix it. My RPM aka Anesthesia rotation is going to be over in exactly one week which means my exam is in exactly a week. I haven't studied. My mock code exam didn't go so great but i'm relieved it's done. I hate verbal exams especially since i didn't know this stuff so well. Things i knew, i forgot also, so if he gives me a pass, then it's what i deserved. I can't even dream of a high pass or honors on this one. Ha!

We still had to go to the OR this morning before going to school for our exam at noon. Since we had 30 minutes before our case was to scheduled to start, i asked my resident to quiz me on ACLS (the code exam), we went through different scenarios and then he draws a rhythm which i didn't recognize. As soon as i told him it was atrial flutter, he flings his hands in exasperation, starts to walk away and said go and read. So i went to my locker and start looking at my notes. 10 minutes before the case was to start, i went back to the pre-op area and walk in on him (my resident) telling another resident about me and how i didn't know the rhythm and he was laughing like how could i be so dumb (he didn't use those words but that was my deduction). He turns around mid-sentence and sees me and says so what is it? I still didn't know what it was so i said atrial fib, so both residents start pimping me and at this point, i was already feeling bad from what i overheard, so i just said fuck it and started saying i didn't know without even trying to figure it out or guess. So the other resident explains everything to me, and i was able to figure out that it was ventricular tachycardia. My resident kept saying, but this is so basic, you should know this. Whatever. We start talking about valsaver maneuvers and he asks me how would i tell a patient to do that and i said i wasn't sure. He turns abruptly in frustration and walks away, when he came back like 5 seconds later, i told him the answer and he was like ok! I had to tell him to chill abeg. Am i not allowed to think again.

Anyway, i was still kinda salty from what i overheard but i had to pretend i was cool and keep acting normal. It's one thing to tell me what you think, it's another to go start talking about me like i'm the dumbest student you ever met. Crazy thing is he is a first year resident so he is still pretty new at what he is learning also. This is the same resident i thot was awesome, now i'm not so sure because i don't know what he really thinks of me. The only reason i care about that is that he gets to evaluate me and give me my clinical grade for this rotation which is 30% of the grade, so what he thinks matters. The whole experience just made me realize that i have to develop a thick skin and fast because i'm sure this is just the beginning of being made to feel stupid. 3rd year is like that i guess with all the pimping that goes on. The trauma surgeon did a pretty good job of making me feel like a first class dummy during my trauma code exam, which was a great initiation to third year. I just can't let it ruin my whole day like it has been. Third year is a huge ego deflater so i guess it'sa good thing i didn't have a big ego to begin with. I am very aware of my weakness. lol. I see rough days ahead. The only thing i can do is read and keep it moving.

Life haf tire me, seriously. I think i'm depressed generally, not even from today. I haven't enjoyed the simple act of being alive and being human in years and 90% of it is because i'm in med school.

*Pimping is when they ask you questions