Exercise in Puerility Vol 2

I will be watching this with my niece in December. Can't wait!

Apparently, clinical years of med school is all about showmanship, 

 Thanks for the feedback. 

I have one month left of this rotation to turn things around. 

I was PRAISED by my attending today. 

I felt like i was walking on clouds. 

That has never happened before. 

So this is how you play this game? 

Na wa o.......

Exercise in Puerility.....

.....or not

Finally figured out a way to black out stuff. 

Good stuff. 

It's 1.30am, i have to be up in 4 hrs. 

I need to go sleep, mi amigas. 

P.S. I did send that pic. 

Hand of a Jedi master. 

Good night!

Cos i don't want to study

I'm not the only one who hates being in med school. We are many. Friends who i never thought would complain about hating it or haven made a mistake are complaining now and it helps to know that i'm not the only one feeling this way. I think it's the way the system is set up. Just look into the depression rates for med students and physicians. This is not a normal way to live and it doesn't get better not anytime soon. I'm hearing about doctors who gradate and work part time. I don't blame them.

I just need to find me a rich husband to make that dream a reality. Any takers?

If you see my hair ehn? It's shameful walking around with this thing on my head. I miss my permed hair, but i've had to braid since May cos my hair fell out due to stress. Med school will not kill me, i swear. I get this whole weekend off aka golden weekend *rolls eye* I will however be grateful and not look a gift horse in the mouth.

I don't like internal medicine. What will i end up doing with my life? Only time will tell. I'm hanging in there. I appreciate the encouragement and support from you guys. If only you guys can find me a sugar daddy, then all will be well with the world :)

I'm trying to buy my ticket for my waka this christmas. All i can say is Gotdamn! But i refuse to spend christmas alone. We are supposed to start back on the 2nd of Jan, that means it's to be traveling on new years day. You see why i said this shit is cray cray.

There's the older transporter (move patients from place to place) at the hospital that i see pretty frequently, sometimes i say hi, sometimes i don't. It depends on the way the sun is shining that day. He says hi too, usually good morning. Anyway, this morning i say him coming cos i happened to glance backwards, i was in front of a patients room using the computer. As he passes by he actually said good morning to me and i responded. Then he greeted someone else, and i could pick out the Nigerian accent. So when he walked by me, i asked if he was Nigerian and he said yes. I told him i picked it up when he said good morning, and he said "but i said good morning to you too". I said i didn't pick out the accent then. He asked if i was Nigerian and i said yes, asked where i was from and all that jazz. Now, i feel like i have to be greeting him properly, with the Sir and all that. My upbringing is bigger than me in cases like this and i just have to show him respect in that way.

Which brings me to something that just occurred to me last week. We were in lecture and i brought out my bowl of fruit and was eating. One of my classmates jokingly put out his hand like he wanted some but refused when i really wanted to give him. It just reminded me of how in Nigeria it is (or was?) unheard of to be eating and not offer the people around you. I remember being in the dorms and having something to eat but not wanting to share but since people were around, i wouldn't eat cos it was just wrong to bring out food and not offer people, who might take you up on your offer. It was something i had to adjust to when i came here too, having people eat so comfortably in front of me without offering (not like i would have accepted), it was just weird. I guess being here for so long has eroded that cos i can eat in front of anyone without it even occurring to me to offer them to share my food. Nobody offers anyone anything, unless family or close friends if that.

This is the only thing that made me laugh all week. He is so exotic looking. I don't think he's a typical handsome guy but he has grown on me and now i think he is gorgeous. He is gay in case anyone is interested since i can't have him.

Butt grabber

So we have this patient who has a reputation of grabbing nurses' butts. When i first heard about him, I asked if he was an old man cos i figured he might have some undiagnosed dementia or something. Why else would you be grabbing people's butt. Anyhoo, i had never seen the patient cos i don't follow him and the attending we have now likes to do computer rounds, so we don't go from room to room as is usually done. From the patients name i thought he was chinese or something. It's a 3 letter last name, so it was a random assumption not that the name actually sounds asian.

Anyway, yesterday my resident asked me if i had met this patient and i said no. She asked me to go see him that's he is very nice and sweet and was proud of her cos she's a doctor and that he says his daughter is just a pharmacist and he wants her to go to med school. I was like what does he mean, she's just a pharmacist, na beans? Then she's like,  you should go talk to him, he's Nigerian. I was like o! Meanwhile, i had forgotten the butt grabbing tales.

I went to talk to him, he was very pleasant. Very Nigerian, father like and all that.Good conversation talking about Nigeria and all that. Never in a million years would i associate him with butt grabbing, so i didn't even remember all through the conversation, until today when someone mentioned it again. I was just like, why, ehn?! Little daddy pervert and he's not that old, at least i don't consider 72 to be that old.

Erosive Westernization

Challenges come so we can grow and be prepared for things we are not equipped to handle now. When we face our challenges with faith, prepared to learn, willing to make changes, and if necessary, to let go, we are demanding our power be turned on."
- Iyanla Vanzant, Yoruba priestess

  I love how she is a Yoruba priestess. I would love to hear how that came about, meanwhile we as Africans are running away from our traditional religions and beliefs. I think it's quite interesting.  A friend said something to me that just turned on a light bulb in my head. None of his siblings including himself have English names. They all have Edo first and middle names. I was wondering about that and he told me his father was against giving English names and he asked me if I had ever seen a white man give their child an African name. Simple question that blew my mind cos I had never thought about it that way. I'm sure if you look hard enough you will find one white person with an African name, but we all agree that's not the norm.

I had always thought, African name first, English middle name. My sister wanted to give her first child an English first name and African middle name, her husband fought against that and he got his way.  I am now of the opinion that my kids will not be getting an English name. We are slowly but surely losing our culture guys. I think it's a shame and one of the greatest atrocities committed against me by my parents that I cannot speak either of my parents language. None of us kids can. That is a part of my heritage that has been lost forever and I can't pass it on. I think it's a shame, really.

  This post was supposed to be about the quote but it veered off.

Thanksgiving Dinner

Forgive the crappy pictures

Second time i am eating pizza this year if i remember correctly. I went to Walmart to get some stuff and saw it. I decided what the hell, i have nothing to eat anyway. I finished this whole pizza by myself, all the while thinking 310 calories not bad. Only after it was all said and done did it dawn on me that it was 310 calories per serving and i had no clue how many servings it was. There were 4 servings! Oh wells, it's in my tummy now. Whatchugon do?

I wasn't supposed to get today off and a lot of my classmates didn't. I got home last night and my resident had emailed me that the clerkship director said if i get today off then i have to work on saturday my regular off day, but she was going to let me have both days off. You don't understand! Tears came to my eyes, literally. I needed that mental break. Shit is going down and i have been dealing with a lot. You don't have to be exceptionally bright to figure out i have been depressed and everyday is harder. I used to have off days where i would sleep it off and feel better the next day, but that hasn't happened this time. I'm almost at the point where i think i might need meds cos this isn't working out.

I pick and chose what i share on this blog and instead of pretending like everything is fine, i just have to be honest and say everything is not fine. I am depressed and 99% of it has to do with med school. I think i am burnt out plus i am also dealing with some issues. I literally have a yr and half left and i want to finish. This is still what i want to do, i just wish my experience was easier. I got a bad (i think) evaluation from the attending who made me cry. Luckily, i had gone to the clerkship coordinator about some concerns i had and that opened a can of worms and i am to meet with the clerkship director to figure out a way forward and get feedback. If i hadn't said anything, nothing would have been done for me and i wouldn't have found out anything.

I am trying hard to get my mind right and in good spirits and i know to get the help that i need. I drank coffee for the first time in my life today and even though it was the mildest form, it still gave me a headache. It made me feel more alive for a couple of hours though.

Anyway, happy thanksgiving. I remain thankful for my family. I feel blessed for their support and we are all alive to answer present. That is the greatest blessing. I am thankful for the very few friends i have who love and put up with me and support me. I am also thankful for still being in school. I worked for it, i am still working for it, it's killing me but i will make it.

P.S I hate these kind of posts which is why i try to avoid them. It makes me feel exposed and vulnerable. I am supposed to be a strong African woman.

The world is coming to an end

I feel like i just went through a hurricane. Hurricane madness. It's so hard to fight with someone who is close to you. Words hurt more and you care more which means you feel bad more when the madness has ended. God cursed me with a explosive temper and anger that does not last. What kind of nonsense is that?

I fought with Dr. Sushi tonight. Not a physical fight. We were like too mad women fighting over nothing. Anger is not a good thing and it's not being an easy year for either of us. I think the world is coming to an end because we never fight and it was ugly. I still feel bad even though we made up.

It seems that someone won an award. Best student blogger, I wonder who that is. To be honest, i am so tickled and pleased to see that something that i initiated, has grown bigger than i imagined and people take it so seriously and it means something to them. I think that is awesome. I read a post from @tilola (i hope i got that right) about blogsville. Those were the good ol days. I think things are different now, or maybe i'm different cos i don't have as much free time to read and leave comments so i feel removed from the whole scene.

The presentation i spent all evening preparing for yesterday, the fellow who asked me to do it, didn't show up today. He stopped by the workroom after rounds to say he hadn't forgotten about me, then never came back. If i talk now.................


I need some prozac or zoloft in my life......
.......or maybe some adderall.

I'm over life.....It's so 2012

I hate med school

I think the absolute best thing about me and the reason why i am still relatively sane is my ability to laugh at myself. I actually had a good chuckle when i played this back. I sound like a hopeless goat. 

Mr and Mrs. Vibrator

I had a thousand and one things to do today and i only got two major things done even though i didn't play at all. I'm sitting here trying to figure out what to do next as i'm just a couple of hours away from bed time and i already bone tired.

1. Cook, 
2. watch a naija movie
3. write 2 H &P's
4. Pick a topic and prepare for my presentation on Monday
5. look up my patient and see what happened with her today, read up on her stuff
6. pick up new patients and read up on them
7. just take a shower and go to bed
8. blog

So i'm blogging. I've got so much going on right now, it's scary. I used to be able to write about what's really going on with me and what's on my mind, but that hasn't happened for years. This blog is no longer that kind of space. I am very mindful of what goes on here. I was in a friend's neck of the woods for a short min and he was surprised i didn't write it on my blog. He actually said he thought he would know everything that was going on with me by reading my blog. I thought that was hilarious.

I watched the much praised Mr. and Mrs. naija movie yesterday. I didn't like it. I thought it was unrealistic. Some of the things Nse said towards the end were silly. I'm not sure what message they were trying to pass across to women. Stay and clean up the mess, men are babies, fight for what you want..........I guess it all depends on the context. I don't think people should give up on their marriages easily, but i think the movie was silly and not what i was expecting. JMO.

I didn't know nigerian men were against vibrators? At least that's what the movie led me to believe. Is that the general consensus?

It's official, all the fight has left me. I have no desire to engage in any kind of altercation with anyone. I will call you out on your bullshit, but to engage, i just don't have power. It's actually a physical thing, like i literally don't have the strength or interest to engage. Med school is really taking a toll on me. I'm just trying to get through this.

Thanksgiving is next week, i will be at work. I don't really care though.

I am thankful for my family. I miss them so much and just want to be home to snuggle my 5 month old niece with her chubby cheeks. I saw her today on skype. She's so beautiful with her small eyes.

I think i'm going to pick a topic for my presentation, take a shower and call it a night. I am experiencing unexplained extreme fatigue.

Richard Cory

Whenever Richard Cory went down town,
We people on the pavement looked at him:
He was a gentleman from sole to crown,
Clean favored, and imperially slim.

And he was always quietly arrayed,
And he was always human when he talked;
But still he fluttered pulses when he said,
'Good-morning,' and he glittered when he walked.

And he was rich - yes, richer than a king -
And admirably schooled in every grace:
In fine, we thought that he was everything
To make us wish that we were in his place.

So on we worked, and waited for the light,
And went without the meat, and cursed the bread;
And Richard Cory, one calm summer night,
Went home and put a bullet through his head.

 

 

by Edwin Arlington Robinson

 

*Parallels exist 

Bad day

Life is hard
Med school is harder
An attending brought me to tears today.
Real tears.....
Holding back tears during rounds tears....
Crying in the hallway while talking to the NP tears....
Burn out, tired tears......
I feel so dumb and inadequate tears.....
Med school might have been a bad decision tears.....
I am so embarrassed and humiliated tears....
I need to remember physiology tears.....
Swollen eyes, snot, I am tired of med school tears.....

Sigh........

On a good note, my 20 something yr old was allowed to get on the transplant list. I am happy for him.

Sharing

I like to share some of the things i like/ have discovered from time to time

I just found this site today through my brother - Marc and Angel (Practical tips for daily living). I am linking directly to the first post i read but you should go through the site, i think it is great!!! It's really good. I have discovered especially since i got into watching youtube, that a lot of people are just looking for guidance on how to get through life, from the smallest things to big issues.This is a good site. I think there's great advice on there.

I subscribe to The Daily Love. I googled it after i heard that it's part of Oprah's morning routine (Hey! Don't judge me :) You get daily quotes from it, some of which are quite profound and i have shared at least one on this blog. I haven't really explored the site much, but i like the quotes i get each morning.

This blogger Man2Man  just commented on my blog for the first time today and i checked his blog out and i quite liked it. He is a gister. Since Ms Ibhade has decided to no longer be our resident gister, i am looking for a replacement. LOL. 

I have gushed about my love for Downton Abbey and The Middle in the past, so that's not new. They continue to give me life. The Real Housewives of Atlanta is back. I am so not a TV or movie person.

Milk Chocolate Digestive. Sigh. It's so good. It is the definition of a guilty pleasure for me right now. It's just sinful and since i am trying to be a good christian, I am not buying it anymore. You can get it from Walmart.

That's all i can think of for now. If i think of anything else, i will update this post.

You turn, share....what would you recommend that I check out. What's giving you life...lol?

Have an awesome week you guys! I will be trying to perfect the act of looking and sounding confident during my presentations. I am tired of getting that feedback, so i need to work on my bullshitting technique during rounds. Okay, maybe not bullshitting, cos i really would like to know my stuff.

Sayonara.........

P.S. I have exactly 503 blogs on my bloglist right now. I update it regularly with blogs i actually like. If you are not on my bloglist and would like to be, let me know. Cool, cool, cool.....Oh I like Community too. Does anyone know if the new season has started?

Time

We have a 2O something yr old on our service who is probably going to die sometime soon. 

I don't know if he knows it

I just want to hug him

His MELD score is 40
2-3 months
He needs a liver STAT

He is probably, most likely not going to get it

cos more than likely he will be denied from being put on the transplant list

Why? 

Dude is an alcoholic and he drank his liver to death

He's been given multiple chances to turn his life around, but it hasn't worked out. 

Does that mean he shouldn't be accepted on the transplant list?

I just want to hug him

He looks so sick and i feel so bad

I am on transplant medicine this month, which means all our patients either have had a transplant or need a transplant. One of the attendings gave me and my resident a teaching talk about transplants yesterday and while it was very informative, the big question i had at the end of the talk was, what's the use? Fear no let me ask because it seems like a very callous question to ask. Long story short, getting a transplant only buys you time. The organ eventually fails, maximum 15 years if you are lucky. You live longer and it's cheaper than if you were on dialysis  but it's not a permanent fix.

So pretty much everyone on our service is living on borrowed time. I know we are all going to die but i wonder what it's like knowing that i only have 10 - 15 yrs to live. Now i'm not saying anyone who's transplanted organ is failing automatically dies, no! You get put back on dialysis or/and if you are lucky, you can get another transplant. I had a 33 yr old pt last week who has had 3 kidney transplants. Life is not easy sha. I am learning a lot both about medicine and about life.

Life is short! We have to make the most of it. I was already conscious about these sort of things before, but now it has more meaning. It's so real. It's all about not sweating the small stuff and just living and being in the moment. I'm trying to squeeze whatever enjoyment i can out of life, which is why when i really wanted that milk chocolate cookie this evening, i bought it, ate three pieces and threw the rest under my bed. LOL. After all, they did say resist the devil. I tried. Going through life with a pot belly is not sexy, so we still got to watch that.

Have a wonderful week you guys and don't do too many bad things. Just one or two is okay :)

Generation Rochas

Have you guys heard of this? I think it's a very laudable effort by young people. Quite interesting actually. If there's to be any hope for Nigeria, then young people who are really interested in change need to get involved in politics.




I just went to their website and i was impressed. Anyhoo, you can visit http://generationrochas.com/ to get in the loop and maybe it will inspire you to start something.

Agbaya Tinz

 My hat in all its glory :)
I know, right!
It's so AWESOME!!! (lol cc Dr. Sushi)

It cost me $20

Yes, i intend to walk around looking a damn fool, but a happy fool

It's all part of yoloing :)

Black or White?

Sister to 3 yr old niece: Are you black or white?
Niece: (Confused look) I AM brown!


LOL....that was the exact text i got this evening. I thought it was hilarious and it made my day. Kids are so precious and innocent.

Anyone who can hurt a child is from and of the devil.

Re: Why I dislike Religious People

 The title of my previous post is not exactly accurate as i don't dislike religious people per se. I think religion serves a purpose, be it Christianity, Islam, Hinduism, Buddhism, paganism or whatever you practice. There have been studies to show that people who are religious might have a better well being or outlook on life, which is understandable, because if you "cast all your cares unto the lord" you won't worry too much about whatever problems you are dealing with and that helps you get through life easier. I understand that, and if being religious is working for you, that's fine.

However, the average church going Nigerian christian is on a kentro level. I'm not even sure where to start. Their behaviors and words that come out of their mouths is alarming. SOME of them are like sheep, senseless sheep. I'm sorry but it's the truth.

Here's who i don't like....really

•  Fanatical Christians
• Christians who are anything but Christlike
• Eye service Christians
• Church going hypocrites
• Christians who worship their pastors
• Christians who have lost their common sense and ability to think for themselves
• Christians who are scared to question the status quo
• Christians and pastors who misquote the bible to suit their own purposes
• Christians who are scared to call out pastors and so called men of God who are obviously doing wrong
• Christians who mix paganism, superstition and traditional beliefs with the bible
• Christian who think anyone who is different from them, doesn't believe what they believe is doomed for hell
• Christians who look down on people because they think they are so holy...(re: This comment is for believers only *rollseyes*. I saw that mess on Myne's blog). Who do u think you are? 

I could go on and on, but you get my point. If you fit into any of this category, you need to go back to the drawing board, which in this case is your bible. Think about what Jesus would do and make christianity a religion people would want to be a part of instead of running away from.

I need to take the time to talk about my church in Nigeria unfortunately i am being worked like a dog this month. How am i already carrying 4 patients less than a week of starting. Hours are 7am - 6.30pm (earliest). I was dreaming when i thought we were out by 5pm. I was there until 8pm one time and it seems like that's going to be the story for the rest of the month. We don't even get a lunch break, as we are supposed to attend noon conference everyday. Like, seriously, no! At least they allow us to eat during noon conference.
I have a millions things to read about tonight, as one of my attendings is a pimp master.

Why i dislike religious people

PASTOR E. A. ADEBOYE's facebook status message on Oct 24th 2012

Have your enemies spiritually turned you into meat and eaten your flesh expecting you to die by the following morning? The Lord is saying, "You are not their meat and they can't do anything to you." They have a shocker coming: the one they thought they had eaten and whose obituary they are expecting is coming out to greet them and to outlive them! You will outlive your enemies! Those who are planning your burial, you shall attend their funeral in Jesus' Name AMEN!!!

Thousand's of people liked this status, including a facebook friend which brought it to my attention this morning.
 

There's something about this that doesn't sit well with me. It's so wicked and unforgiving, so unchristianlike, so unlike anything i would imagine Jesus would say.

But then again, this a different brand of christianity practiced by Nigerians. Very militant, do me i do you style. So native doctorish mixed with "christianity".

So you can be spiritually turned into meat? That's good to know. I told Dr. Sushi that the next time i am hungry, she needs to watch out, cos she's my target. I shall be invoking my spiritual powers. She wants to be turned into steak, not gizzard cos that would be an insult.

I know Pastor Adeboye is plenty people's daddy....but arrange yourself well on my blog and don't tell me any nonsense about "anointed" and all those other crap Nigerians like to spew when it comes to religious leaders. I don't even try to give a fuck about these things so don't bother yourselves.

Pink Ballot

Thank you guys soooo much for all the birthday wishes. I really enjoyed reading your lovely comments, it was the high point of my day which was pretty much meh.... I had run away from facebook a couple of days before because i didn't want to deal with the HBD, LLNP which i think is the most annoying thing ever plus, i don't like all that plenty attention. This was the third year in a row that i have purposefully left facebook before my birthday. My friends still call me anyway so it's all good.

Instead of using random.org to pick a winner for the ebook giveaway, i decided to do a pink ballot just cos i'm a baus :) and the winner is..........

 I saw this on facebook yesterday and it took me a good minute to remember what it's called (the pink and green fruit). Then i forgot again just now but it came to me.I only liked eating the pink ones and just the skin, didn't care of the seeds at all.

Pepperfruit and cherry (the orange on in the back). What do you guys call these?

I just started my medicine clerkship today. Guess who they put on the transplant team? Me! There's one resident, one intern and one med student on the team, plus the attendings of course. I have heard that transplant is a difficult service to be on. Long hours, plenty of work *Deep breath*. We see lung, liver and kidney transplant patients. These are not only patients who just had a transplant or are about to, in addition to those patients, anyone who has ever had a transplant and has subsequent medical issues is put on the team. The patient i got assigned to today, came in for abdominal pain and fever, (she had a transplant in 2001) but she has 22 other chronic illnesses and has over 20 medications she takes on a daily basis. I was just weak. The whole thing gave me a headache. Can i go back to peds please, where the patients just had one illness, please God?! Please?

I get 4 days off the entire month, so that comes out to 6 days straight on from 7 am - 5pm when i'm not on call and till 8pm when i'm on call. I get every Sat off which is something to look forward to. Hopefully i can still blog, if not, then u'll see me when u see me. I have SOOOO many things i would like to blog about but there's really no time and i can't add blogging to the list of work i have to do cos that won't be fun but i had to put up this post to say thanks for the birthday wishes which i sincerely appreciate and announce the winner of the ebook. Miss Mikki email me so i can can send you the ebook. nigerianscorpio@gmail.com I have so much to do, but i will be taking a nap before anything else cos i am exhausted. They didn't even use their church minds to give us a break between clerkships.

Mscheww.