Musings

I am trying to rediscover my relationship with this blog and i am failing woefully at it. It seems to have lost its place and significance in my life. I am almost baffled at its existence. With that being said, i think i am losing my mind. Too many balls to juggle, never been good at that, so each and everyone of them have been dropped. Almost overwhelmed to the point of paralysis.

I can't write on this blog. Shit is too real.

Believe it or not, i HATE when i curse but i seem incapable of censoring myself. Actually, the truth is that i don't want to censor myself but i don't necessarily enjoy the fact that i curse (okay maybe it makes me feel better sometimes) and as much as i do it, i hate hearing people curse. Always have, always will. I am as weird as they come, i know. I refuse to be a hypocrite about it and never tell people not to curse. However, I think it's uncouth and it's a bad habit i picked up due to a misguided youth and a shitty ex. Let's not make this post about my potty mouth. Funny how this 72 yr old NP i had the pleasure of working with on my last rotation just told me on Friday how much of a nice young woman i am and how i am so polite. So guys, don't be scared to take me out, i know how to behave myself if need be.

So! I put up a post a couple of days ago. I was going to write about my relationship with God (or lack of), and ended up writing about Friendship. I left it up for a hot minute and ended up taking it down. I really can't write serious stuff on this blog anymore. What the hell is going on?

Someone stole my blog brain.

It's 9.20pm i am exhausted beyond belief. I have a half eaten meal i have been trying to force myself to eat since 6pm. I am hungry as hell but my appetite has been non-existent since yesterday, so i have been forcing down high calorie stuff aka double chocolate chip muffin. I'm not trying to end up looking gaunt. I weighed myself this morning and i was 144 lbs. I have lost 21 lbs this year. A lot of it from conscious effort some of it from stress and crazy rotations. I actually haven't lost any weight this month. I stopped trying to as my mind has being on other things. I don't want to lose weight due to starvation because that's how you end up losing muscle mass.

I think there was a point to this post when i started but i have lost it because i am hungry, exhausted and half asleep all at the same time. I can't sleep when i am hungry, so i need some food in my belly. So hot milk here i come.

 New rotation tomorrow, in one of my least favorite areas. Got the day off today. It's a consult service and there were no patients. I couldn't have been happier, but in reality i wasn't. I don't have the brain power to be. It was just whatever. I have been going through the motions since July. My body is there but my mind if far, far away.

Far, far away. Seems like that's a phrase from an animated movie i have, but i can't remember which one. Is it from Tangled? I can't freaking remember.