I feel like a bad Student

It's 645pm. I'm sitting in my apartment in complete darkness. I still have my jacket on with my hood over my head. I got home less than 10 mins ago and i'm trying to decompress. I left my apartment at about 630am. I wouldn't say i accomplished a whole lot in the MICU today but i still feel guilty because i left. I ditched the team and did not follow the Attending and two Interns to go watch the bronchoscopy the Attending was about to do. My guilt comes not because i left but because i was "caught" in the act of leaving. I didn't expect the attending to still be standing in front of the elevators and when i saw his reflection in the huge windows my heart skipped a bit and i hesitated for a second, but i figured he already saw me, so i chopped liver and kept on walking, smiled and waved goodbye to him and the two interns, all the while wishing i could disappear.

As a med student, rule number 101 is you never ask to leave. You have to wait until someone takes pity on you and dismisses you. Sometimes you are forgotten, so you have to subtly asked to be dismissed by asking if there's anything else for you to do. On this rotation, i have asked to leave a couple of times, i have also left without asking anyone on many occasions, like today. I've had enough of the eye service. If i'm not doing anything, I refuse to sit idly waiting for someone to take pity on my and send me home. I'm completely over the bullshit. I am perfectly okay with a pass in this rotation, they can keep the honors and high pass.

I didn't go in yesterday because I had a few appointments in the afternoon, so i just decided to take a mental health day. I told the Fellow i wouldn't be coming in, he didn't ask why, he just said okay. Between yesterday morning and this morning when i went back in, two out of my three patients died. The one i had been really worried about, i found out when i got out of bed at 8am and checked his chart. I was shocked to see a warning telling me i was opening the chart of a deceased person. My reaction was actually quite comical. Like i jumped back in my seat and clutched my chest in shock. Even though he was really sick and everyone on the team knew he was not going to make it, i had hoped he would be there when i got there today. I just watched this man die. The whole process, one organ after another. It bothered me a lot. I just kept thinking about his wife. The other patient, i didn't even find out until this morning when i looked at a note on the board. I had actually ditched that patient after admitting her cos i felt she wasn't as interesting. There really was no indication that she was going to pass away soon. My last patient is also at death's door. I'm like what the hell?

The craziest thing is when we rounded this morning, no mention was made of the "expired" patient. The team has already moved on. I'm still trying to wrap my head around that. I think being in medicine you are thrown into difficult situations and expected to somehow deal with it. I'm not different from any other person out there. First it's dissecting cadavers your very first semester of medical school, which you become desensitized to pretty quickly. On your first day, you think i can never eat meat again, or how i'm i going to use these hands to eat. In a couple of weeks, you are dissecting and thinking about what you are going to eat for dinner or people are talking about how certain parts of the body look like steak or whatever food.
 It took seeing a black cadaver towards the end of the semester for it to hit me that we were actually dissecting human beings because after the first week or two, i "forgot". When i had to do a rotation in anatomy this past december, i didn't give it a second thought, somewhere along the line my brain has accepted dissecting cadavers as normal.

In second year, as part of pathology we went to the medical examiners office and helped with autopsies. This time we were dealing with newly dead bodies, most less than 24hrs dead. Once again, i was just an ordinary girl who happened to be in med school. Why was it assumed that i will be able to deal with seeing a body with half its head blown off still dripping fresh blood or watching how undigested noodles was emptied out of someone's stomach? But hey, i was a medical student, i signed up for this so somehow i should be able to cope. I pretty much this last week just watched someone deteriorate and die. I was just putting ice chips in his mouth less than a week ago after he was intubated. I talked to this man everyday before he was intubated and even after he was intubated he would make hand gestures in response to my questions. He didn't come in at death's door but now he's dead. We don't talk about it anymore, we just move on and are expected to be okay. I'm struggling with this.

Every morning when we round, sometimes all i see is a bunch of sheep following the shepherd around. We are all properly dressed for that role with our white coats, some long and some short. You have to always present a picture of interest and enthusiasm even when you are bored out of your mind and cursing the attending who insists on rounding for four hours twice a day. Sometimes they forget to tell you they are heading to the restroom and like brainless sheep, you almost follow them in. They are the leaders and the little minions just follow around. Recently, we all took this israelities journey to get to a patients room when we could have just cut across the hall and gotten there in 2 seconds simply because we were following the leader who did not bother telling us where our next destination was. Sometimes i wonder how all this facilitates learning and if i couldn't spend my time in more productive ways.

The MICU is interesting. I see different things i want to learn more about but by the time i get home everyday, all i want to do is sleep because i'm physically exhausted by the insane amount of hours i spend on my feet. I want to be the enthusiastic student who would never pass up the opportunity to observe a bronch especially since i've never seen one, but i'm tired and just want to get home to my warm apartment, and my tee shirt and sweat pants. I'm pretty sure i can watch a broncoscopy on youtube and i'm keeping my fingers crossed that this attending doesn't fail me.

I'm complaining

The only good thing about this morning so far is that it is 23 degrees instead of the usual below zero, so i won't freeze to death while walking from the parking lot to the hospital in scrubs. I just forced myself to eat breakfast and now i'm typing this instead of getting ready because i really don't want to go. My whole body aches like i was in the farm chopping firewood or digging. I have to be out of this apartment in 30mins so i can get there on time at 7am. In two weeks, i have only been on time once. I don't care anymore. 

Yes, i'm complaining today. I really am. I need a rich husband so i can say bye bye to medicine.

Hands on Head- MICU month

I'm dreading tomorrow

My friend asked me today if i got tomorrow off

I wasn't aware there was a holiday tomorrow

I don't blame him. He's at the VA this month, where they observe all holidays. 

Lucky him

I went to sign up for the torture chamber that is the medical ICU aka MICU instead

I slept until 1pm today

Not exaggerating

I initially woke up around 7ish

Went to the fridge and ate two meatpies i got from a baby shower yesterday 

and went back to sleep

until 1pm!!!

I was supposed to go to the movies today to see that Kevin Hart movie but

I had to cancel because i was so exhausted

Besides going grocery shopping today, i don't know what else i did with the day

I don't know how i ended up with the sickest patient on the team

He wasn't that sick when i got him

I really think i have been in America too long

I couldn't bring myself to handwash my white coat

cos the last time i did it the back of my hands hurt and i felt like my skin was going to peel

It really hurt to be honest

I have to wear my off white coat tomorrow, i guess

That white coat has seen better days

I'm going to sleep

My patient needs to get better because the whole ordeal is starting to stress me out

I spent my only day off thinking and worrying about him

I have been chart stalking him since yesterday

This is just crazy, i tell you. 

Nigerians don't have sex!

YET, we manage to be the most populous country in the entire continent of Africa!

Immaculate conception things. 

God resides in Nigeria

We are truly blessed. 

How else will you explain the fact that not a single person wants a free gift from pure romance

You people can like to fall my hand sha! 

I told my sister that i didn't expect comments on that post

cos i know my people

Everyone is a virgin until they have their first child

Even then sef, they are still virgins

Direct connection to Mary

I don't have power for you people today.

I have Sunday off and I shall be bursting you all out of your sexual closet.

Wait for me, I'm coming. 

LOL 

Pure Romance on Valentine's day!

*This is NOT a paid advertisement. It's my christian duty to spread the word to you guys. I share good stuff cos i'm nice like that ;)

I just had to force myself out of this MICU induced (by force) hiatus to help you people out. You can thank me later. Valentine's day is 2 days away and i have been meaning to blog about this since last weekend but by the time i make it home everyday, all i want to do is curl up in bed, rest my aching muscles and watch netflix. Yes, it's that bad. Anyhoodle, I am really excited to tell you guys about my latest discovery, what i have dubbed "Victoria's Secret with a Kink".

One of my sisters is a consultant for this company called Pure Romance. I had never heard of them and when she sent me the link a couple of weeks ago, i didn't get a chance to even look at it, until this past weekend. Like i said, it's like Victoria's secret with a kink. They sell sex toys and relationship-enhancement products *cough cough*...........but wait! Not only that, they have a bath and body line, where they have products such as Bosom buddy Jar (a tingling lip and nipple balm), Kiss and tell (tingling lip gloss), Pulsa bath ball (vibrating foam sponge), Save my skin (stretch mark reducer), and  Basic instinct (sex attractant) LOL, only Jesus knows what that is. The description says "Enhance your natural allure with Basic Instinct. This roll-on sex attractant uses pheromones to release a scent that is unique to you". Una wey dey find husband (or wife), this might just be the perfect product for you.

They also have products for sexual health (I'm discovering more stuff as i write this blog post. Mind is being blown. That vibrating foam sponge doubles as a vibrator, by the way. Wowzers. Back to sexual health stuff, they have products designed to help you "exercise your love muscles - to assist in sexual perfomance, bladder control, and vaginal elasticity". Ladies, ladies, ladies....I have done my ob/gyn rotation, i know how that vaginal childbirth can do a number on you. The lord has sent me to answer your prayers today. No need to thank me. Check out that Like a Virgin- 24 hr tightener. Tell me i did not just answer someone's prayer right now :) I'm guessing the balls are for kegels? Someone needs to try it and tell us how it works.

Click

Seriously though, they also have gift ideas and as valentine's day is coming up, this would be perfect for some people, which is why i made a conscious effort to drag myself out of my stupor to post this before it's too late. Although, you can and should continue to shop there after valentine's day.

No, i'm not being paid for this. My sister is a consultant and i will be providing a link to her page. She has agreed to do a give away for you guys. I asked nicely. I don't believe in making people jump through hoops, so the only criteria for the giveaway is that you visit the site through the link i provide and come back and tell me which product you would like to try in the comment section. I will randomly select a winner. How's that for a valentine's gift?

www.pureromance.com/hopekulaszewski

I will also put her banner on the sidebar, and you can click on that to take you to the site. I think it's a pretty good business idea also, for people who are looking to start something. It's very reminiscent of Avon and Mary Kay but with more exciting products. I made these banners by the way #patontheback (I only do things like this for family).

click me!!!

If you decide to buy their products, be a dear and use my sister's link. Make her your consultant o. This is my sister and not from another mother. She also host parties too in case you are looking to host a bachelorette or birthday party or girls night etc etc.