Tongue Tied

I used to be the queen of having no fucks to give

in my mind at least

but with depression comes

finding fucks

plenty fucks

and the illusion of the thick cowhide skin

which hid all the mush

and hid it well

is shattered

Exposed for the fraud it has always been

People want to know how I'm doing, given the fact that i did a very unafrican thing and talked about being depressed and wanting to kill myself. (Yes, she did that). I took that post down, then put it back up and it's been there all this while and will remain there because it is what it is. The truth. Yes, I was stressed, then really stressed, then sad, then really sad, then really really sad and really, really, really stressed, then depressed, then really depressed, then really, really, really, blow my brains out and end my misery depressed. My brain was on overdrive, the quick and easy solution my brain could find to put me out of my suffering was to end my life. Thence began the obsessive almost involuntary thoughts of killing myself. Putting an end to my suffering, finding peace. Peace. Sigh.....

I used to love to sleep. Nighttime was my favorite time of day. I looked forward to being able to lay down in bed, wiggle around until and i found that comfortable spot and then fall into blissful sleep. That was my only escape from the daily ordeal of med school. Sleep. I'm smiling just thinking about it.

Sadly, the more depressed i got, the less i was able to sleep. That was the worst thing ever. I have stayed awake all night, not even a second of sleep and had to get up in the morning and go be in clinic all day until 5pm. Torture doesn't even begin to describe it. 

But let's not rehash the hash. I was depressed, I wanted to kill myself. I never had a plan, i never made an attempt, except that one time when i saw that truck, but that doesn't count as an attempt because i kept driving and freaked out. I freaked out at what i almost did, freaked out because it took strength to keep driving and not turn the steering. I freaked right into my 2 hour shelf exam and somehow passed. It wasn't a miracle i passed. It was psych. I have a bachelors in psych. My corpse can pass a psych shelf.

But that was then and this is now. How is she doing? 

I went and got the appropriate help. I first saw a psychiatrist and reluctantly got on an anti-depressant. I had this thing about about starting anti-depressants. Not a fan. My brother who was in Pharmacy school at the time was not a fan, my mother who believes in God and doesn't believe in depression was not a fan. But the truth is i had a chemical imbalance and I was SUFFERING and that's what's meds are for. I forgot whatever hang ups i had, and went for it. I tried 3 different ones within the first couple of months and finally settled on the fourth one and requested the dose be increased after about a month. So now i take an anti-depressant daily. Thank you very much. We need all the serotonin we can get or at least, I need all the serotonin i can get.  Squosh sqoushing around the brain. It helps the sanity.

I also see a therapist 2-3 times a month. The co-pay adds up, but hey! My depression has been on the back burner this year, simmering very lightly enough where i can ignore it. I no longer have suicidal thoughts, thank you Jesus, but I am now dealing with increased anxiety. Which is also improving, but can be a beast of burden from time to time like it was this week. Beast of motherfreaking burden. Satan's internal hemorrhoid. A bleeding pain, that's exactly what it is.

At the beginning of the year, I wanted nothing more than to graduate and start residency. I thank God for blessings in disguise. Now. Not starting residency this year was the best thing that could have happened to me. There is no way i could have made it through residency as messed up as i was/am and not have a major melt down before the end. Absolutely no way. 

I'm not out of the woods yet, but i think i'm out of the lion's den. Daniel's pet lion tried to wack me for dinner, but the lord said, No!!! She's too fresh for you, go chop Good luck Jonathan, but you have to catch him first. He's slippery, that one.

So there you have it guys. How am I doing? Just fine. Thank you very much.

As always, I remain thankful.

*the title is unrelated to this post. I started off with another post in mind, but this came out. Er! Whatchugondo?!!!

**** For Toin and Segun Pryme aka Infonubia. My soul thanks you****

Poof.....

...and just like that 

The bubble burst

And it was back to earth 

Back to the place where idealism and realism are in a constant battle

And fairy tales don't exist

Soul Mates

I don't know how it is you are so familiar to me - or why it feels less like I'm getting to know you and more as though I am remembering who you are. How every smile, every whisper brings me closer to the impossible conclusion that i have known you before, I have loved you before- in another time, a different place- some other existence. 

- Lang Leav

 

Farts on a Plane

Sigh........

I don't know where to start from, all i can say is that some people are hardcore criminal animals in human clothing. Ahn ahn! A couple of weeks ago I was on my way to Atlanta. I had the misfortune of sitting on a window seat which i hate because it makes me feel trapped. I prefer aisle seats because it gives me the freedom to get up and go without bothering people, which makes me more relaxed. I'm not a big fan of flying mostly because I'm bored after 1 hour and want to get off, so i embrace anything that will lessen the ordeal even if it's just mentally. 

The flight was a pretty early flight and since i hadn't slept properly the night before I spent the first hour dosing. When the lady in the middle seat got out to use the restroom, i woke up and decided to go too. I did my business, came back to my seat way before middle seat lady. I don't know what she was doing in there. Anyway, she finally came back, everyone settled down and i resumed dosing. Just as i was drifting into lala land, I perceived this vile otherworldly odor, that smelt like rotten eggs mixed with a decomposing animal. Na so all the sleep wey dey my eyes comot, fiam! I sat up straight and called on God. I was like Lord Jesus! I didn't know which way to turn my head because it was all over. I was like which kind of evil person is releasing this kind of bomb in an enclosed space. Is the world about to end? Meanwhile, everyone around me kept a straight face. I started suspecting the lady in the middle seat because she spent so much time in the restroom. Soon the smell passed, I could breath again and all was well with the world. I was even willing to forgive the person.

But nooooo......in less than 5 minutes the vagabond released another one. This time i no follow keep straight face o because i wanted to vomit. It was rancid. I swear. How someone with such a rotten stomach gets on a plane with a clear conscience is beyond me. The smell was so bad, I had to cover my nose, but that required opening my mouth to breath and i know odors are made up of particles. I had to decide there and then if i wanted the particles coming in through my mouth or my nose. While i was battling with myself there, my seatmates were acting like they couldn't smell anything. It was then and there that i knew for sure that I was dealing with hardened criminals.

By the time round three came around, i was confused as hell. Instant altered mental status.  I was struggling not to gag and cry at the same time. Plus I was pissed! I kept looking at the call button because I had a good mind to summon a flight attendant and ask to switch seats. I knew the plane was full o, but i figured if the culprit heard me telling a flight attendant that someone was trying to murder me with their hundred year old shit gas, maybe they will control their anal sphincter better. At this point, my suspect list had expanded to include the person behind me.

Luckily it was a 2 hr flight so by this time we were nearing the end of the flight. When they started collecting trash, I bent my head down to pull out my back pack, so i could take out the banana peel I had in there and like an atomic missile, this person released another one right in my face. I was like Ha! Did this person just shit on themself, what is this?! I had to expand my suspect list again to include the girl in front of me. God in heaven knows that if we were not about to land soon I would have requested for another seat. I know myself enough to know what i can do, since apparently everyone around me had lost their sense of smell. How they could sit there and not even show any sign of perceiving any nasty odor is beyond me. Broad daylight criminals. All of them. It was very obvious that the animal stinking up the place did not fear God because only someone with a direct connection to Satan can do something like that with a straight face.

I got home and ranted about how the person was so rude and inconsiderate. My family members felt sympathy for the rotten stomach farter instead of me, the truly aggrieved party. I don't know what this world is turning into. I really don't.

By the way, those of you who get on a small ass plane and want to be reclining your seat as if you are in your father's house, don't let God punish you o! Just because the option is there doesn't mean you should use it, at least not on a freaking 2 hour flight. On my flight out of Atlanta this past Sunday, this guy reclined his seat and the guy behind him was doing something on his ipad and barely had any room left. The first thing that came to my mind was "son of a bitch". Yes, I was drinking panadol for another person's headache. I hate inconsiderate people.

Testimony time

Hello people,

Gather round, i have a testimony for you. What had happened was, the devil had been whispering in my right ear "Sting, delete your blog, delete your blog, delete your blog". And i said "you know what devil, that's a mighty fine idea" But somehow on my way to delete the blog, i got stuck in purgatory, because i was eating hot amala and black soup (with a fork) when the last bus left. So the blog wasn't deleted, it was instead stuck in the purgatory of "this is for invited readers only".

But the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob prevailed and said "come here my daughter, what's strong with you?" I told him i didn't know what was strong with me but i would like him to help me figure out what was wrong with me. He just looked at me, shook his head and turned his attention back to Boko Haram. I didn't let it pain me too much sha. I was like "okay God, be that way. I'll just go delete the blog, since you don't care". That got his attention, he quickly silenced the wailing Mama Peace, then he turned to me and said, "I know you think you are some kind of undercover atheist heathen, but i know you, you can't fool me. Sit your ass down, suck it up, stop whining and start blogging again. I'm over your bullshit".

Fear catch me because of the smoke that was coming out of his nose as he was talking. So i said "yes sir, abeg no vex" and reopened the blog.

THE END