Farts on a Plane

Sigh........

I don't know where to start from, all i can say is that some people are hardcore criminal animals in human clothing. Ahn ahn! A couple of weeks ago I was on my way to Atlanta. I had the misfortune of sitting on a window seat which i hate because it makes me feel trapped. I prefer aisle seats because it gives me the freedom to get up and go without bothering people, which makes me more relaxed. I'm not a big fan of flying mostly because I'm bored after 1 hour and want to get off, so i embrace anything that will lessen the ordeal even if it's just mentally. 

The flight was a pretty early flight and since i hadn't slept properly the night before I spent the first hour dosing. When the lady in the middle seat got out to use the restroom, i woke up and decided to go too. I did my business, came back to my seat way before middle seat lady. I don't know what she was doing in there. Anyway, she finally came back, everyone settled down and i resumed dosing. Just as i was drifting into lala land, I perceived this vile otherworldly odor, that smelt like rotten eggs mixed with a decomposing animal. Na so all the sleep wey dey my eyes comot, fiam! I sat up straight and called on God. I was like Lord Jesus! I didn't know which way to turn my head because it was all over. I was like which kind of evil person is releasing this kind of bomb in an enclosed space. Is the world about to end? Meanwhile, everyone around me kept a straight face. I started suspecting the lady in the middle seat because she spent so much time in the restroom. Soon the smell passed, I could breath again and all was well with the world. I was even willing to forgive the person.

But nooooo......in less than 5 minutes the vagabond released another one. This time i no follow keep straight face o because i wanted to vomit. It was rancid. I swear. How someone with such a rotten stomach gets on a plane with a clear conscience is beyond me. The smell was so bad, I had to cover my nose, but that required opening my mouth to breath and i know odors are made up of particles. I had to decide there and then if i wanted the particles coming in through my mouth or my nose. While i was battling with myself there, my seatmates were acting like they couldn't smell anything. It was then and there that i knew for sure that I was dealing with hardened criminals.

By the time round three came around, i was confused as hell. Instant altered mental status.  I was struggling not to gag and cry at the same time. Plus I was pissed! I kept looking at the call button because I had a good mind to summon a flight attendant and ask to switch seats. I knew the plane was full o, but i figured if the culprit heard me telling a flight attendant that someone was trying to murder me with their hundred year old shit gas, maybe they will control their anal sphincter better. At this point, my suspect list had expanded to include the person behind me.

Luckily it was a 2 hr flight so by this time we were nearing the end of the flight. When they started collecting trash, I bent my head down to pull out my back pack, so i could take out the banana peel I had in there and like an atomic missile, this person released another one right in my face. I was like Ha! Did this person just shit on themself, what is this?! I had to expand my suspect list again to include the girl in front of me. God in heaven knows that if we were not about to land soon I would have requested for another seat. I know myself enough to know what i can do, since apparently everyone around me had lost their sense of smell. How they could sit there and not even show any sign of perceiving any nasty odor is beyond me. Broad daylight criminals. All of them. It was very obvious that the animal stinking up the place did not fear God because only someone with a direct connection to Satan can do something like that with a straight face.

I got home and ranted about how the person was so rude and inconsiderate. My family members felt sympathy for the rotten stomach farter instead of me, the truly aggrieved party. I don't know what this world is turning into. I really don't.

By the way, those of you who get on a small ass plane and want to be reclining your seat as if you are in your father's house, don't let God punish you o! Just because the option is there doesn't mean you should use it, at least not on a freaking 2 hour flight. On my flight out of Atlanta this past Sunday, this guy reclined his seat and the guy behind him was doing something on his ipad and barely had any room left. The first thing that came to my mind was "son of a bitch". Yes, I was drinking panadol for another person's headache. I hate inconsiderate people.