Tongue Tied

I used to be the queen of having no fucks to give

in my mind at least

but with depression comes

finding fucks

plenty fucks

and the illusion of the thick cowhide skin

which hid all the mush

and hid it well

is shattered

Exposed for the fraud it has always been

People want to know how I'm doing, given the fact that i did a very unafrican thing and talked about being depressed and wanting to kill myself. (Yes, she did that). I took that post down, then put it back up and it's been there all this while and will remain there because it is what it is. The truth. Yes, I was stressed, then really stressed, then sad, then really sad, then really really sad and really, really, really stressed, then depressed, then really depressed, then really, really, really, blow my brains out and end my misery depressed. My brain was on overdrive, the quick and easy solution my brain could find to put me out of my suffering was to end my life. Thence began the obsessive almost involuntary thoughts of killing myself. Putting an end to my suffering, finding peace. Peace. Sigh.....

I used to love to sleep. Nighttime was my favorite time of day. I looked forward to being able to lay down in bed, wiggle around until and i found that comfortable spot and then fall into blissful sleep. That was my only escape from the daily ordeal of med school. Sleep. I'm smiling just thinking about it.

Sadly, the more depressed i got, the less i was able to sleep. That was the worst thing ever. I have stayed awake all night, not even a second of sleep and had to get up in the morning and go be in clinic all day until 5pm. Torture doesn't even begin to describe it. 

But let's not rehash the hash. I was depressed, I wanted to kill myself. I never had a plan, i never made an attempt, except that one time when i saw that truck, but that doesn't count as an attempt because i kept driving and freaked out. I freaked out at what i almost did, freaked out because it took strength to keep driving and not turn the steering. I freaked right into my 2 hour shelf exam and somehow passed. It wasn't a miracle i passed. It was psych. I have a bachelors in psych. My corpse can pass a psych shelf.

But that was then and this is now. How is she doing? 

I went and got the appropriate help. I first saw a psychiatrist and reluctantly got on an anti-depressant. I had this thing about about starting anti-depressants. Not a fan. My brother who was in Pharmacy school at the time was not a fan, my mother who believes in God and doesn't believe in depression was not a fan. But the truth is i had a chemical imbalance and I was SUFFERING and that's what's meds are for. I forgot whatever hang ups i had, and went for it. I tried 3 different ones within the first couple of months and finally settled on the fourth one and requested the dose be increased after about a month. So now i take an anti-depressant daily. Thank you very much. We need all the serotonin we can get or at least, I need all the serotonin i can get.  Squosh sqoushing around the brain. It helps the sanity.

I also see a therapist 2-3 times a month. The co-pay adds up, but hey! My depression has been on the back burner this year, simmering very lightly enough where i can ignore it. I no longer have suicidal thoughts, thank you Jesus, but I am now dealing with increased anxiety. Which is also improving, but can be a beast of burden from time to time like it was this week. Beast of motherfreaking burden. Satan's internal hemorrhoid. A bleeding pain, that's exactly what it is.

At the beginning of the year, I wanted nothing more than to graduate and start residency. I thank God for blessings in disguise. Now. Not starting residency this year was the best thing that could have happened to me. There is no way i could have made it through residency as messed up as i was/am and not have a major melt down before the end. Absolutely no way. 

I'm not out of the woods yet, but i think i'm out of the lion's den. Daniel's pet lion tried to wack me for dinner, but the lord said, No!!! She's too fresh for you, go chop Good luck Jonathan, but you have to catch him first. He's slippery, that one.

So there you have it guys. How am I doing? Just fine. Thank you very much.

As always, I remain thankful.

*the title is unrelated to this post. I started off with another post in mind, but this came out. Er! Whatchugondo?!!!

**** For Toin and Segun Pryme aka Infonubia. My soul thanks you****