The Shade of it All

So in my last post, titled All T, All Shade, I have to admit I gave you guys all the shade but barely any T. The truth is I don't have power to talk about that girl's matter. That girl changed my life. Back then I thought it was in a bad way, but now I look at it as a good thing. She gave me my first real lesson on "Friendship. The remix". The bible says in Jeremiah 17.9 and I paraphrase, the heart of man is desperately wicked (close your mouth, a heathen can quote the bible too. Lol). That demon child was the definition of a wicked heart. When you set out to destroy someone who has been nothing but kind to you with such a viciousness that people don't even have for their sworn enemies, then you are just a direct descendant of Satan. Even Jesus or in this case Allah can't help you. Lies upon lies designed to ruin someone's reputation for no obvious reason.Word to the wise, beware of grade A frenemies, those things are master chameleons and can go undetected in your life for years. When you finally notice, it's almost like stage 4 metastasized terminal cancer. Write your will, say goodbye, dead less than 3 months after initial diagnosis type of malignant cancer. Insidious and vicious.

Moving on, I just realized that another "friend" has been throwing some major shade my way, but I have so oblivious it didn't register until this morning. So very recently this chic won for the second time in 5 years the award of most selfish, self centered, oblivious friend in the history of my life. The only reason I still interact with her is because of the small Christianity I have left in me. After the stunt she pulled a couple of weeks ago I decided she was dead to me but last week after she said hey to me on whatsapp, I decided to use my church mind and respond. We didn't have a fight or anything so she had no clue I had declared her anyway.

As the conversation went on we talked about her son and I asked when she was having number 2. I really couldn't care less, I was just making conversation. Her response to me was, "when are you having one?" I read the text and my left eyebrow involuntarily raised in confusion. Last time we both checked I am unmarried, unengaged and all types of single. Is it now the norm to ask people of that demographic when they are having kids? I would have thought the obvious shade would be asking when I was getting married. Anyway, before I could respond another text came in. 
"My mom was asking and I told her you could have a child without being married o! lol" Errmmm excuse you? Why are you telling your Nigerian mother that?! What sort of impression of me are you trying to give her? I don't even want to imagine the rest of that discussion. I mean, I'm not denying I've said that, because i say shit like that all the time especially since I'm very ambivalent about marriage but i don't see how that's her mother's business if she isn't trying to make me look bad. Not like i care. So i said, I'm still looking for an appropriate baby daddy, I don't intend to have a child with any random person, besides I'm not ready for a child,so not anytime soon. She was like "lol, I know". So if you know, why did you ask me when am I having one?

Then on Saturday, I got another WhatsApp message. "You and this your same hair style. Smiley face" I recently changed my profile pic. I responded and said "I accept free make overs". Abi wetin she want make I talk? Then she said, it's fine sha or you look good...... Fairer........Plus pluss minus minus.

I didn't really pay attention to her because since i'm not in show business I don't see why I should be changing my hair style up and down. I found a style of wig that suits my face which I get endless compliments on, why should I fix what's not broken. And NO! it's not the same wig. I actually switch between three different brands, similar styles. I get the hook up from the sister in ATL. I'm seriously resisting the urge to shave my head again as i'm ready to be wig free. For those of you who say why don't i just go around bald, I say you don't like me. Period. The End.

Anyway, this morning as I was washing my face, it just suddenly clicked that this chic said I was fairer and I panicked!!! I'll tell u why. Sometime in June, I had a severe attack of and by live alien pimples on my forehead. The aftermath was unslightly. I always get Clinique products for my birthday every year from my sister but my dark spot corrector had run out and since I had no intention of spending $46 on something  as small as my index finger I went to Walmart and got Equate dark spot corrector for $5.  So I have been faithfully using my cheap dark spot corrector since June but dark spots no gree fade. Thankfully my "hair" covers my forehead so it doesn't bother me too much and these things fade with time anyway, it just takes forever and ever.

So when it clicked that she said I was lighter, fear catch me because the only way i know people get lighter is either by bleaching or in the middle of winter. Since we are obviously not in the middle of winter and I have been using this el cheapo cream on my face everyday for at least 3months, I was scared that it had Dencia'ed my  face. Although I wasn't sure how it could do that and not fade the dark spots it was meant for. But i panicked!  So I put one hand against my face to compare, hand is darker than face. To make sure, I put both hands, I didn't want any film trick, same thing. My hands are still lighter than my freaking face.

I finally was able to breath and was like, that bitch!  I was seriously pissed cos that's when i realized this chic has been throwing major shade my way for a while now. All the shit she's been saying that I have overlooked just became clear.  I called my sister as I was driving to the hospital and vented. Then she sends me a text later in the day saying I see why she said what she said, your face is flawless. She's just jealous.  Everyone should have a sister!!! :) In case you are wondering I'm in between light and dark. My siblings range from very light skinned to light skinned to slightly dark,to dark.  I like to think i am more on the dark side, although I have noticed that I am lighter than some people I consider light skinned, but I don't consider myself light skinned. Don't ask me why.

To be on the safe side, maybe i need to double check that the el cheapo $5 Dove or St. Ives body lotions I typically use are not undercover bleaching creams. Anything is possible.
P.S. I just confirmed with a real life person that my face is actually darker than my arms. Bitch!!!

Mstcheewwwww. The Shade of it all.

Today, I told my Fellow that I'm not coming in on Wednesday. He didn't ask me why and I didn't offer an explanation.  I had one ready if he asked, although most (normal) people usually would say why they can't come in without being asked. I am pretty certain he thinks I have an interview that day but It's my birthday and I figured the service won't come to a grinding halt without me. (Thank God this blog is Anonymous or is it? Hmmm). Hey, last year I was on call and spent the whole day and night in the hospital. My senior was nice enough to let me sleep through the night in the freezing cave hole of a call room, but still..... I'm living it up while I can. It's not going to last forever. Very soon I would actually be responsible for shit and can't take the day off all willy nilly.

*The reason comments are disabled is because I don't want to be sucked back into blogging before I'm "ready" which I think will happen if i start interacting with you guys. Some very smart people have figured out a way around that and as you can see from this long epistle of a post (which I enjoyed writing by the way), I'm already being sucked back in. I'm not complaining.

You guys continue to amaze me. I got some unexpected emails this weekend that really surprised me, including one from a non blogger who remembered my birthday was around now although she couldn't remember the exact date and she just wanted to wish me a happy birthday. I'm getting emotional just thinking about it. For the last couple of years I somehow from somewhere got the impression that a lot of people who read my blog don't like me. This only worsened as time went on. I know i can be a hot head from time to time and I'm aware that doesn't exactly win fans but i can't be anyone other than myself. So people taking the time to email for whatever reason, means so much to me. When I read the comment Ms. Cookie left on New Dawn's blog, I really was surprised. Let's not even talk about New Dawn, na direct text message I dey get from her. Even before I started blogging again, I randomly get text messages from her just asking how I am doing and I just think she's the awesomest person ever!!!!

This is turning into a novel.  If you actually read this far, you need Jesus. LOL. I kid. But seriously, you might have a problem aka Amebo monitoring spirit. LOL.

All T, All Shade

In case you can't tell from the title, I am a huge fan of RuPaul's Drag race and I am happy to say I am current on drag queen slangs. Yaass hunty!

Today I will be addressing a very pervasive issue affecting a lot of young Nigerian females. I'm sure it affects people of other nationalities too, but I'm sticking to the demographic i'm familiar with. Apparently, we have a lot of Chinua Achebe or Chimamanda Adichie's protege's running around. I didn't know a lot of people where into writing fairytales. Someone who could not string more than 2 sentences together in undergrad to write a paper (major shade) all of a sudden becomes an accomplished writer as soon as she finds a man willing to marry her. I never knew until now that an engagement ring also has magic powers. It can transform your life and make you quite proficient at rewriting history. Hmmm.....Okay. I have read a lot of wedding websites by people i know which were obviously embellished. If you want to add some jara, what's my own?

Those of you on instagram harrassing people with your bio #mymanisbetterthanyours #mylordship #Engagedtoagladiatormarryingaking. Una dey forget say people know una? I'm not even going to talk about birthday or anniversary posts. As my mother will say, hide yourself!!!!!!!!  You guys keep forgetting that people know you in real life and yet you have no chill or even shame for that matter.The moment that ring is on your finger, you develop the superhero power of delusion.

Recently, a post under the wedding section of Bella Naija was brought to my attention. I won't say which one. Prior to this post, when i see people exhibit themselves on social media I just laugh and keep it moving. It doesn't really bother me because I get that some people would rather exist in their fantasy world than face reality. However, this particular post left me amazed! Like mouth agape, wipe eyes, wetin i dey read so, amazed! This was from a demon child I know personally, Frenemy Extraordinaire, a rat that would bite you and blow breeze on the spot so you don't feel the pain so that they can continuing biting you, a vicious green snake, CEO of Back Stabbing Bitches Worldwide International Incorporated and now Editor-in-Chief of fairytales.com.

The world is coming to an end!

Word to the wise, when your hands are not clean have the decency to hide yourself. Just because social media is available to all, doesn't mean you should partake in it. You can fool people who don't know you into thinking you and Mohammed are now BFFs, but the people who know you will see you for the pathetic joke you are. You can Photoshop your pictures to make them look perfect, choose the most romantic locations, wear the nicest clothes and come up with a story that could be made into a movie, but what are you doing to do to your evil black heart?

Tufiakwa.................

Twenty Random Things

This is for New Dawn and Ms. Cookie (I had no clue you had a blog, madam. Well done). I have been meaning to do this post for a while now, but nothing was coming to mind.  Digging deep people!

1. I discovered I had a natural talent for drawing in JSS 3. I'm naturally good at drawing what I see. Piss poor at drawing from my imagination. I really like drawing cartoons. As part of healing thyself, I took my first drawing class which ended last week. It was an awesome experience. I intend to take more art classes. I really want to learn how to paint. 
2. I am allergic to Eba. I break out in boils whenever i eat it. My paternal grandmother had the same food allergy. 
3. It is believed that I am the reincarnate of my paternal grandmother. I'm not sure what i think about that. I choose to see her as my guardian Angel.
4. I only have 23 teeth but you can't tell from looking in my mouth as there has been almost $10,000 worth of dental work done (minus insurance). I kid you not! 
5. If i wasn't in medicine, I would be a writer. I actually write and was very recently told by a couple of people including a writing coach that I have a gift and to make sure I keep on writing, but I am reluctant to call myself a writer. 
6. People think I am funny. I have no idea why because i never try to be funny and most of the things i say that they laugh at, I'm actually being serious. Although, i would admit that i do spout some nonsense from time to time, but never with the intention of being funny. 
7. I had to finally admit to myself that I really am a ball of mush on the inside.
8. I got my first speeding ticket this month. The police officer wrote i was going 89 which was a blatant lie, but since it was out of town, I have to suck it up and pay the fine.
9. I hate the Police. Just don't like them. 
10. I shaved my head twice this year. I haven't done that since i was a kid. Prior to the first shave in Feb, I was natural. I love the feel of my bald head. Rubbing it is very soothing. I was tempted to shave it again last week, but i'm going to suck it up and let it grow. 
11. 99.9% of the time, I don't use make up. Didn't do it when i was younger, so never got into it. Although a couple of years ago, I spent some good money on MAC products which i never used until recently. I break it out these days for professional photos and interviews. You will never catch me on a normal day with make up.
12. 99.999% of the time I don't drink alcohol. No reason other than I don't like the taste
13. I worked in a liquor store for 5 years :) 
14. I have never been to a club. True story. The thought of a lot of people in a confined space is not my idea of fun. No interest. I automatically have a headache when people start talking of going to the club. 
15. People who don't know me, think i am quiet. I tend to be more reserved when i'm not feeling the setting. 
16. I never thought there would come a time when I would have no interest in blogging. It's something that makes me very sad because it was such a great outlet and i enjoyed it so much. I wonder if it is related to Anhedonia
17. I talk to my mom everyday. She's the only person If i miss her call, that i try to call back before i go to bed. 
18. I love Crime shows. I've watched all the ones on Netflix and Amazon Prime. Every single available episode. 
19. I don't know if i believe in God but I definitely know what I don't like being around super religious people. 
20. I wear Buddhist prayer beads all day everyday because it reminds me to practice mindfulness and stay focused on the now. I have no intention of becoming a Buddhist or any other religion.

I think i did good! New Dawn is determined to get me back to blogging come hell or high water. I also have another post to complete courtesy of her.  What would I change about my physical attribute or character?

New Dawn, I just want you to know that i appreciate you more than you would ever know. Same goes for Segun Pryme. Ms. Cookie, I read your comment and was actually surprised by it. I didn't think there was anything to miss, but apparently there is and it makes me want to work harder to get to the point where I am okay and enjoy blogging again.

Clown with her pants down

I managed to charm my way into leaving an hour early today.

 Hasta la vista CICU!.

See you on Monday. Sadly. 

I had a huge mug in one hand, Ipad and note book in the other, Stethoscope, Pocket medicine, maxwell, reflex hammer, papers, crap, more crap and a bottle of water in my white coat pockets.

I felt like a coat hanger.

Am I wearing the white coat or is the white coat wearing me? 

That's debatable on most days

As i took quick, giant, don't look at me, don't talk to me strides to the elevator, I notice this dude looking at me. Kind of used to that. The looks. I'm quite a sight on most days. 

Scrubs and Converse almost don't go together in the ICU, not very professional but at least i didn't wear my pink pair today

Still, i took a cursory look at thy self and noticed my scrub pant strings were hanging a little far down to be properly tied.

I got on the elevator with a large group of people and with some stealth ninja moves as i'm practically arm less, I checked and Yep, my pants were untied

Oh boy! 

I got off the elevator and what do you know, all those people got off with me. 

As i walked I felt my pants sliding down.
I didn't need to be psychic to know this will not end well. 

So I struggled to free one hand and in the process spilt some tea on myself but at least i could attempt to hold my pants up.
So I'm walking in front of the people i got off the elevator with holding my freaking pants up with one hand.
 I knew there was  no rest room close by and there was no way i could keep walking holding my pants up and struggling with the freaking huge mug, ipad and notebook in front of all those people

So i calmly respected myself and stopped by a window so they could walk by me,
Ignored the guy walking towards me making no attempt to disguise the fact the he was looking at me holding my pants up. Son of a bitch!
then I jejely grabbed both pants strings firmly,
owned the fact that i looked like a clown and made my way to my locker,
which required walking down three long halls, getting on another elevator and going up 9 floors. 

But i made it without dropping trou

mess.com

*forcing thyself to write*

Privilege

 These eyes have seen

babies born 

some through the vagina

others through the uterus in the OR

some with lots of blood and gore, others barely making a mess

Singletons, multiples

all new life added to the world

 These eyes have seen

fetuses turned products of conception

9 weeks - perfectly formed fingers and toes

10 weeks- fingers, toes, hands, legs, vertebrae, eyes

12 weeks- hands, legs, ribs- look, a penis

15 weeks - even bigger - let's put it all together

My heart skips a bit

I try not to forget to breath. Straight face.

"yes, I'm okay"

These eyes have seen

a body still warm to the touch with undigested food in the stomach

a body with fresh blood dripping from a half blown off head, 

brain and skull missing from where they should be

Lots of flesh hanging from the side of the head, looking out of place.

A decomposing body, dry, shriveled and green, smell out of this world

alone in an apartment, dead for weeks.

No one missed him for that long

These eyes have seen

generous and kind souls who donated their bodies to science

Cadavers - a welcome to med school gift

Block 1 -Cover the heads with towels, Ease them in gently

Depersonalize - Head and Neck is Block 3

Skin off, piece by piece, organ by organ, 

You form an attachment - Our body.
You name her Rosa

 Body transected, skull taken off, looking less human with each passing block 

"What are you having for lunch?"

"This looks like steak"

"I am so hungry!!"

Block 4 - Pelvis and Lower extremities

"We need another penis"

These eyes have seen

fathers, mothers, sons and daughters

communicating one day, intubated the next, dead in a week

obs for colonoscopy prep - just one overnight stay
 goes home 2 weeks later on hospice

come in for an elective procedure, take a turn for the worse

get better, sigh of relief, things are looking up

Flips a switch, DNR/DNI, comfort cares - all in less than 48 hours

family all around, tears, group hug - last breaths

  I say my silent goodbye wishing i could unsee the grief of this family

 I turn around and quietly leave the room, 

careful not to intrude on this scared moment

 as family help their loved one make the transition
from life to death

Shit!

It hasn't gotten easier but at the same time it has.