Dysphoria

I'm in the hospital right now..... Just waiting. Waiting for new patients to arrive. Since this is the ED, it's not a matter of if but when. It has been crazy busy since I got here and I'm only just able to catch my breath. I don't think I'll ever be a fan of working at night.

My mood as been very wonky. Dysphoria is the best way to describe how I mostly feel. It's an uncomfortable feeling. There was a recent editorial in JAMA talking about depression in Residents. It was forwarded to us at our program. That same evening my mom asked me if I had heard about the article and if it was true. I said yes. She said she couldn't understand why residents would be depressed because we just finished medical school and this should be the best time of our lives. In my head, I was just like you are talking to a depressed resident. I just told her that it was very stressful both physically and mentally.

One of the things I've been struggling a lot with lately is feeling like I don't know myself.  I spent the last 4-5 years pretty much isolated socially, first because of how med school is set up with the constant studying, then eventually getting depressed where I was just trying to make it from one day to the next. I literally lost myself. But the sadness and depression and keeping to myself was familiar. I recognized that person. From time to time I would recall being very silly and goofy before med school. Times when i would spontaneously break into dance with my brother. Chatting nonsensical comical shit to friends. Constant baiting of and banter with friends. Those become distant memories of someone I could no longer recognise as myself.

Now that I'm in residency, while I'm not LA LA LA happy, I'm not caught up in the throes of depression. I hang out with friends and surprise surprise I'm often the life of the party. I've gained a reputation in my program for providing comic relief but I say what everyone is thinking but afraid to say or I'm just blunt.

People actually like me and want to hang out with me. Patients love me.....I had a 19 yr old tell me today that I'm the best doctor she's ever had and she wants to keep coming back to the ED just to see me. This is someone who could not wait to leave when she first arrived because she hates hospitals and going to the doctor. In all of these interactions I am myself. But I don't recognize this self. It's a weird feeling, not because I'm an unlikable person and I'm surprised people like me but because I'm not as introverted and uncomfortable around people/preferring my solitude as I used to be.

Part of that is learning to survive in Medicine. You have to be a people person and be comfortable dealing with new people all the time.......


***Ended up not completing the post yesterday because work.....

Lost my train of thought, so I'll just post as is.